you're mad

i've frustrated you
with my forlorn tone
my unclear answers
'cause i'm alone

but i don't care
overwhelmed with my thoughts
anxious and impatient
will you have kept your word?
will you still be the same?

when you go

i miss you when you leave
and i'm afraid you'll come back different
i miss you when you go
and i'm afraid when i'm alone

i'm anxious you won't keep your word
that you'll forget that promise made
you'll get lost in some cruel word they said
that makes you want to stay

lonesome

i'm sad when you're away
i want to make you feel that pain
but i know that's not the way
so i just sit around and wait

out vs in

There is a difference between people out there,
When I am in here; locked doors and cement walls between us
I am safe here
I don't have to worry here
I don't have to feel scared here
But people out there when I am out there,
They are not safe; they are screaming and leering,
Following and stalking,
They are running home instead of walking
They are fight or flight and fear of night
Those are who I'm scared of
I don't care about the others

just say it

i've told you how important it is for me to hear you say it
such a simple way to make me feel endlessly happy
so why won't you?
the longer that you don't, despite me explicitly asking you..
the more i think that it isn't what you want

cody

i just want to be with you forever and ever and ever
i want to figure out this whole life with you
you're my best friend forever
:)

i love you

i love you
i love you more than i ever thought possible
the thought of ever being without you breaks my heart
i want to be with you forever

all the silly little moments
the soft touches
the hello kisses and goodbye hugs
i miss you whenever you aren't here
i just really love you

Stop

I want it to stop
I'm tired of being tired
I'm tired of getting hurt
I'm tired of feeling forgotten
I'm tired of not feeing good enough
I hate that the world is whizzing by me at a million miles a minute
And I'm here, stuck, not figuring anything out
I'm sick of not handling my emotions
I'm sick of money
I wish the world would just stop and let me catch up

tell me again

i need reassurance 

affirmation 

i need you to tell me again about that future you sometimes think about 

about the wonderful life you know we'll have 

i need to hear it 

in the accident 

as my whole world was spinning 

i remember thinking that i'll never have my future with you now 

i saw my entire life with you flash before my eyes and vanish 

rings and dresses and blue eyed little kids 

as i screamed and rolled at that intersection 

my heart broke thinking that we would never have everything we had talked about 

so now i want you to say it again 

tell me again about it all over again 

make my heart race and eyes sparkle 

make me feel like i am everything you could ever need 

make me hold on to you tighter with everything you say 

smiling on your chest as you paint a picture of our wedding 

of dancing under the stars 

of how right it will all feel 

tell me about our kids 

how cute they'll be 

with my smile and your eyes 

please just tell me 

i know you don't like talking about it often 

but i like hearing it 

and there is nothing i'd like to hear more
than how everything is going to be as beautiful as i could ever dream 

still hurt

i thought that i let it all out yesterday
that i felt better today
that i was able to put it aside on focus on us

but seeing you now just filled my heart up with sadness
i know it's only one weekend
that i'll survive and i'll be fine
but i can't help but feel this overwhelming loneliness
i'm still too fragile to go out with friends
and i don't want to hang out with them anyways
i want to hang out with you
the one person who i desperately miss all day long

i don't want to spend my days trying to distract myself while i wait for you to come home
i just want you
i want you to be so intensely grateful that i'm ok
that you want to spend every second you can with me while i start feeling better
i wish you felt more possessive
more protective
after almost losing me
i wish you didn't want to let me out of your sight
i wish you were as worried about me as i would be about you
i wish you understood how badly i need to feel safe right now
how badly i need you to tell me that you don't know what you would do if you lost me

maybe i'm being self-centered
or over-sensitive
i don't know
i just can't suppress this feeling
that maybe you wouldn't be that heart broken after all

i know you have been very helpful
bringing me water and helping me sit up and doing anything that i have trouble with
but emotionally
you seem completely fine
why didn't this shake you up?
why didn't this scare you?
i feel terrified
why didn't you cry?
why didn't you grab me and rock me back and forth and thank god i was alive?
why didn't you smother me in your love and say that you could never let me go?
why are you leaving me now?
can't you see that i'm still in pain?
that i'm faking being better than i am?
can't you see that i'm fragile?
that i need you now?

i don't want to miss you now.
i don't want to go to bed without you.
i want you here with me, stroking my hair, telling me i'm ok.

Can't stop thinking

I can't turn my brain off
Maybe because I'm in pain.. I don't know why
But I can't help but think that maybe you wished you had moved
So you wouldn't have to deal with taking care of me
That maybe you are getting tired of my roller coaster of emotions
And are thinking of walking away
I can't turn my brain off.

Feelings

I feel so unloved right now
I need a romantic gesture or honest and loving words but I'm just not getting them since I've been hurt  he's been wonderful and helpful but I just wish he knew the words to say that would make me feel like he still thinks I'm amazing.

I don't feel like I've been amazing lately. Maybe that's why I need a heartfelt declaration of love... To prove to myself that he doesn't see me differently now.



:(

Justified?

It's bothering me so much 

That yet again you're going away when I need you

But I can't say anything 

Or you'll think I'm controlling 

It makes me not want to hear your input 

What I chose to do this weekend doesn't affect you whatsoever 

I don't care that you think I need to see a doctor 

Because you're leaving so I can't help but feel like your opinion is invalid 

I thought I would start to feel better this weekend 

But instead I will be left behind, scared and alone. 

I can't stop thinking of what could happen if I try driving and something happens, or if the pain gets  even worse and I'm unable to help myself. I am so utterly afraid of being alone right now.

And it's making me resentful... But I don't know if it's ok for me to feel this way. 

how long until i'm ok again?

every time i see you
i get sad
anxious
embarrassed
nervous

when will the joy come back?

painful mementos

sitting here in the living room we built together
staring at everything that was supposed to make me smile

those roses lost their beauty
those earrings won't be worn
those pictures seem too happy
that book just breaks my heart
those dates celebrate the worst day of our love

i don't know how to feel that warmth i used to feel
when i could feel the love in our house in every breath
when thinking of you made my day
when my whole life seemed to glow
when i knew that you loved me with all my heart

i want everything to go back to how it used to be
when i was enough and i never doubted our forever

why did you have to go and break my heart :(
you were supposed to be the only person who never would hurt me
you had every ounce of my trust and i never thought you were anything less than perfect
i can feel that my walls are back up to where they used to be
and i don't know if you love me enough to try to take them down.

leaving

you wanted to leave
and i don't believe it when you say
that you'd thought it would work anyway.

you were willing to let me go
until you realized what my going meant
'til you realized that i would leave you
before you could leave me.

you say you didn't mean it
but i know that you lied
because the way i thought you loved me
you would have never even tried.

i don't trust you to love me
but i'll buy your lies
'cause i can't let you go now
and i wouldn't last those miles.

                   ---

i can feel it on the clock now
our countdown has begun
until i'm not enough again
and you decide to run.

you say you want forever
you say there's no goodbye
but i can feel that hint of doubt
that hides behind your eyes

you say that you weren't thinking
but you can't undo those steps you made
one day you'll wake up tangled in me
and wish you hadn't stayed.

i can only hope i'll be stronger then.

need you

i miss you every time you leave me,
for a minute
or for a day
either way, there's no change
in how deeply i miss you