blink back

deep breath
steady pace
blink back
blank face

can't breathe
pale skin
blink back
keep it in

shaking hands
shoulders tense
blink back
just pretend

tears form
lips quiver
blink back
i won't cry ever.

"it's going to blow your mind"

it already blows my mind.
i just got the hugest wave of happiness wash over me, and it's all because of you.
it's on the tip of my tongue......

please don't go

you cry and beg and call to me
"livy, please don't leave
i screwed up once or twice, i know
but i love you, can't you see?

i loved you when i hit you
even when i called you names
i loved you with each bitch and whore
no dear, my loving never changed

and when you started sobbing
and i mocked your tear-tracked cheeks
please know i still adored you
when i damned you with my speech

when you tried to escape me
took your backpack and you ran
down in the snow, no where to go
know that i loved you even then

please don't go
i'm begging you
with all my fragile heart
i'll die without you near me
to tear and break apart."

despite your tears
your texts, your threats
i'm leaving, 'cause i must
for when you broke my broken heart
you also broke my trust.

no.

maternal instinct

drink
hit
repeat

look me in the eyes

you are not beautiful.


and anyone who told you you were was lying.

i miss you

do not beg
do not break
if it ends here
i will keep a straight face
i can do this
i can
those words mean nothing to my pride
do not let him hurt you

please don't

you have the power to break me

walls.

am i just freaking out because i'm scared of how i feel?

is this another excuse to run away?

distance

"Please don't stand so close to me
I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what you'll see right now"

christina perri 

anything to fix us.

if you want him, you can have him
i'll get used to nights alone
to sleepless nights and a silent phone
but i won't get over you

i'll be strong for both of us
and you won't see me cry
i'll smile for both of you
and keep my thoughts inside

please don't let my feelings for him
push you away too far
they've never been the focus
of this relationship of ours

for us, i will take a bullet
i'll let you break my heart
i won't let my worthless happiness
pull us two apart.

texty mc textersons

"he thinks he found perfection
when he sees your smile
but i'll make that go away
when i talk to him a while

it's my new conquest
to get between you two
even though he's not my type
i refuse to let him love you"

seriously stop it

dear you know i love you
to the moon and stars and back
but if you don't stop being such a cunt
your face is gun' get smacked.

the truth

things to do.

smile more
give more hugs
look him in the eyes when we're with other people... stop being embarrassed that i'm in it, it isn't weakness.
laugh with myself
dance by myself
call her
talk to her
don't let it consume me
work harder
stop making excuses for mediocrity
be a better friend

snap back to reality

don't trust him
don't let your guard down
don't give into it
you'll only get hurt.

things to be happy about

TO BE HAPPY ABOUT:
1. Morwen
2. My snake friends totally adore me
3. Peter and Daryl told me they would do anything to keep me safe
4. Adey's compliments
5. Darcy and Vimes' lock!
6. Kelsey's letter
7. 5 years maybe?!?!
8. Emily's kickass listening skills
9. DFO hiring you back
10. NO MASTERS!
11. Joint breeding project with Sheri
12. Going skating
13. Kids movies
14. Peppermint flavored things!!
15. Snow ball fights
16. Taboozing
17. Dylan likes me!!!!
18. Seeing Ben and Frankie soon
19. Anime movies with Tessa
20. Rudolph
21. SO MUCH BAKING
22. Getting better and opening up
23.Did I mention the cat?!?!!?

frankenstein

you speak of your imperfections
like you're some kind of freak
disfigured and unlovable
(but only for the week)

and when you talk, i cannot help
but place a hand behind
on that ugly thing attached to me
that's keeping me alive

i can't stop my mind from wandering
to my skin, so scarred and red
can't stop my eyes from watering
from the vision in my head

i see myself, my horrid pump
and scars from tubes ripped free
and it hurts to know your standards
because it means that you'd agree

i try my best to hide it
to pretend that i am fine
but when i take my clothes off
i wish they'd close their eyes.

diabetes emotional timeline.

My thoughts at each event.

THE DAY

words
streaming out his mouth
you were crying and i was still
lost in his words
lost in it all
you both spoke
made plans with your words
but i didn't know
what language you were speaking
blur
all a blur
crying
you were crying
still
i was still
still,
i remember it all
my ears did not register your sounds
my eyes could not register the scene
it happened and i didn't know how
still in the front seat
no words

i can't wait to stop getting all these needles

honey, this is forever


VIVA MEHICO


Mexico. We got to the hotel, dropped our bags in the room, and ran down to look at the pool. We hadn’t been at the hotel for an hour yet when I decided to go back up to the room to put my bikini on. I walked into the room, and something happens. All of a sudden my blood sugar feels low, so I walk to my mom’s purse and eat a granola bar.

Still low.
I eat another.
Still low.

I can feel that I’m very low; too low. I walk towards the mini bar. I remember thinking “It’s $5 but mom won’t care."

And then nothing. Blackness. 

I wake up to my moms voice. She was screaming, I didn’t understand what she was saying. 

“SOMEBODY HELP ME, HELP, PLEASE, SHES BLEEDING, HELP! LIV, LIV ARE YOU OK, PLEASE HELP SOMETHINGS WRONG SHES COVERED IN BLOOD, LIV CAN YOU HEAR ME?” 

“what mom, no I’m fine, stop yelling, whats going on?” 

BLACKNESS.

“Liv, Liv your having a seizure. Look at me, drink this.” 

Who is this blond lady holding my other arm? Why are there people in the door? “No, mom, I’m fine. Whats going on? Mom I’m ok.” 

BLACKNESS. 

“Liv, I’m giving you glucagon now.” I watch her stab my thigh with that huge emergency needle. I don’t feel it though. “Sweetie, don’t move, listen to your mom.” Who is this blond lady? 

“Liv, your bleeding, what happened?”
“What no mom I’m not.....

.......what’s happening to me?” 

BLACKNESS.

I had a seizure. A bad one. I was unconscious when my mom found me. I had fallen into the wall and cut up my face, there was blood everywhere, dripping down my head, coating my clothes. It happened so fast, I kept going unconscious. 

I’ve never been so terrified in my life. 

When I finally came to, around 8 at night, 9 hours after the seizure, I said to my mom, “... I wish I could see the ocean.”
“liv, you have seen it, you were in it.”
”... did I like it?”

I dont remember anything in the hour or so before the seizure..
I remember going low in the room, but nothing before.
I remember my moms voice, her eyes.
In my semi conscious haze, I remember seeing her crying, yelling down the sunny hallway with all the palm trees.
I was so scared.


I'm still so scared.


PUMP


Yesterday, I got my insulin pump. I don't think I’ll ever forget that car ride to the hospital. My mom had run into the store after picking me up from school to get some water. The box with the pump was in the backseat. I opened it for the first time since it came in the mail a month ago. And I held it. I followed its lines with my finger and memorized how it felt. And I cried. I cried for what seemed like forever. And I kept crying when my mom came back. Tears and mascara stained by cheeks. And I kept crying. And I yelled at my mom, I blamed her for making me get it. I still blame her.

Sure, it might help me with my control of this, which my dad says is the big picture. But they don’t think past that. This..thing.. is attached to me, I have a tube inserted into my stomach that the insulin is pumped through. That means I can’t run away. Ever. With the needles, I could leave them in the other room, I could forget just for a second. I could move freely, I could be free. But the pump, I’m attached to it. I can’t ever get away from it. Something about being attached to it makes my stomach turn and my head spin and my heart feel sad. Sad. That’s what it makes me. Sad. There’s no running from it now, no retreating into the back of my mind where I’m a normal teenager and none of this exists. Because it’ll always be there. Me and this, this, thing, will be attached at the hip. Literally.

You know I don’t feel pretty with this. I don’t feel womanly or cute or like I can do anything. I feel like a monster. A robot. I know this is so shallow, my health is more important, but I won’t stand here and lie and say my health is the only thing I think about. I think about, how I'll wear a skirt, or a dress, or a bikini. How will boys react? Will it give me a weird tan? I think about these things, and I can't help but cry. I love that I’m athletic, a runner, soccer player. I love my leg muscles that can power through anything, that push me off my track blocks at a million miles per hour.. Will this slow me down? Do people on insulin pumps win?

All I can say is, you don’t understand me. Fuck, you probably don’t understand half the things I’ve been going on about. But understand this: you’re the luckiest person in the world, because you have something that I want so bad. Something I don't remember ever having. Power. Power over your own body, a will that's your own. Fuck, I’m jealous.


BURNED OUT

I'm tired of this.
I had no choice in this
It just was
My only reward for all of my hard work is not dying any sooner
I make it look easy and so they think that it's easy
That I don't take it seriously
That it isn't the cause of every single thing I do
My mistakes are judged harshly and my victories go unnoticed
I over compensate to give myself a semblance of control
And I'm called greedy
And I am.
Greedy for freedom. Greedy for rest.
Fill my days with work and hobbies so that I'm so tired at bed time
I won't have time to think about it
So tired that maybe I won't have that nightmare
But I can't be so tired, what if something goes wrong?
What if no one finds me?
It'll be all my fault.
I'm the only one to blame
Guilt guilt guilt
Low
Guilt
Nausea
Cry
High
Guilt
Sleep
Dream
Covered in blood
Where am I?
Who are they?
Why is every body screaming?
What's going on?
Wake up
Cry
Guilt
Honey, this is forever
3/3/03
10 years
Count down to dialysis
Pretend it isn't happening
Pretend it isn't me
It's someone else
It couldn't be me, just look at me!
I'm on the right track!
I work hard and I laugh!
How could that patient be me?
It can't be me!
Guilt
It is me
It's all my fault

When everything is black

I see a forked tongue and remember who I am

well, thanks.

"i'd like to apologize,
for being kind of mean,
you see, for once you are the one that's loved
but you can't possibly be better than me.

i don't understand how it could be
that someone would want you.
he thinks you are the better choice
but that just isn't true

don't they see i'm skinnier?
that my hair falls down in curls?
don't they see i'm prettier?
that i'm better than you girl?

i'll be honest with you, liv
because we are best friends
i'm angry at your happiness
but hope we can make amends

do you remember all the other times
when i was the shining star?
everybody wanted me,
while you watched from afar?

i loved it when I knew you knew
that i was the better half
something like an ego boost
to see you kind of sad

i'm glad we can be honest
in this relationship of ours
i want to stress how undeserving
and unworthy that you are

gosh, i feel so much better
now that we've had this talk
remember, i don't want the best for you
but i'll always be your rock."

J

its oozing through our conversations
seeping through your looks
it's creeping through my silences
we're surrounded

them of me; i can't be happy
me of her; she's your one
me of everyone; exhausted

lonely

wake up, bathroom
pale skin, tattoos
eyes search for something on the glass
when was it that i saw it last?

cold water, wet face
goodbye last night
clean slate
going to find it today

lost in traffic
somewhere at dawn
roads are clear
but my mind is gone

all alone, far away
another day i rest my head
empty handed, mind undone
'how will i ever find someone?'

i'll never forgive myself

for letting you go

don't let their words fool you,

you're still alone.

that is all

a girl that hates when i do well
a roommate i don't talk to
and a snake lady from a different timezone.

and so it begins

fuck you for not asking
for forgetting
for not caring
for being a hypocrite
you call me out constantly
and then turn around and do the same thing
fuck you
i can't believe you.
you think it's ok and you won't apologize
so i'll do this alone
i don't need your help and i refuse to ask for it
fuck you.

333333333333333

10 years ago

10 years baby

blinded by the truth
blinded by the tears
blinded by the lies
blinded by the years
but mostly just blinded by retinopathy.

Never good enough

She tried her best.

Burned out

I'm tired of this.
I had no choice in this
It just was
My only reward for all of my hard work is not dying any sooner
I make it look easy and so they think that it's easy
That I don't take it seriously
That it isn't the cause of every single thing I do
My mistakes are judged harshly and my victories go unnoticed
I over compensate to give myself a semblance of control
And I'm called greedy
And I am.
Greedy for freedom. Greedy for rest.
Fill my days with work and hobbies so that I'm so tired at bed time
I won't have time to think about it
So tired that maybe I won't have that nightmare
But I can't be so tired, what if something goes wrong?
What if no one finds me?
It'll be all my fault.
I'm the only one to blame
Guilt guilt guilt
Low
Guilt
Nausea
Cry
High
Guilt
Sleep
Dream
Covered in blood
Where am I?
Who are they?
Why is every body screaming?
What's going on?
Wake up
Cry
Guilt
Honey, this is forever
3/3/03
10 years
Count down to dialysis
Pretend it isn't happening
Pretend it isn't me
It's someone else
It couldn't be me, just look at me!
I'm on the right track!
I work hard and I laugh!
How could that patient be me?
It can't be me!
Guilt
It is me
It's all my fault

Can't get over it

I know the truth about myself
Keep it hidden deep within my mind
But the truth keeps slipping out now
Breaking every lie that I feel fine

I don't feel fine and I hate knowing
My smile isn't real
Say I feel fine and I keep going
Keep the images concealed

I'm broken but I'm trying
To make it go away
But it's thundering behind each thought
Color every moment grey

I know the truth about myself
I know just what I am
I saw the truth about myself
I saw it and I ran