Burned out

I'm tired of this.
I had no choice in this
It just was
My only reward for all of my hard work is not dying any sooner
I make it look easy and so they think that it's easy
That I don't take it seriously
That it isn't the cause of every single thing I do
My mistakes are judged harshly and my victories go unnoticed
I over compensate to give myself a semblance of control
And I'm called greedy
And I am.
Greedy for freedom. Greedy for rest.
Fill my days with work and hobbies so that I'm so tired at bed time
I won't have time to think about it
So tired that maybe I won't have that nightmare
But I can't be so tired, what if something goes wrong?
What if no one finds me?
It'll be all my fault.
I'm the only one to blame
Guilt guilt guilt
Low
Guilt
Nausea
Cry
High
Guilt
Sleep
Dream
Covered in blood
Where am I?
Who are they?
Why is every body screaming?
What's going on?
Wake up
Cry
Guilt
Honey, this is forever
3/3/03
10 years
Count down to dialysis
Pretend it isn't happening
Pretend it isn't me
It's someone else
It couldn't be me, just look at me!
I'm on the right track!
I work hard and I laugh!
How could that patient be me?
It can't be me!
Guilt
It is me
It's all my fault