Thursday, September 11, 2014

:(

i want to fall in love again
i want to feel loved
i want to be wrapped up in someones arms and for once not have to wonder how long until they hurt me
i want someone who doesn't want to ever hurt me
i want to be the most beautiful girl in the world to someone
i want someone to see me and feel lucky

i'm tired of being dispensable

i want to meet someone who doesn't ever want to let me go

nobody

i wish i was the girl that someone was looking for

instead i'm the girl they're looking passed

i wish i was someone else

i'm disgusted with everything about myself

i'm fat
ugly
weak-minded
desperate
pathetic
whiny
self centered
repetitive
boring

no wonder i'm not good enough

maybe

maybe if i was skinnier
maybe if i was prettier
maybe if i was funnier
maybe if i was wittier
maybe if i was more interesting
maybe if i was smarter
maybe if i wasn't me

maybe then they'd love me

inadequate

i'm never enough to make them stay

Monday, September 1, 2014

things i'm proud of

* truly not caring about dylan anymore, and even being almost happy that he has found someone he is so compatible with. i understand that we just weren't a good match. his cheating still affects my ability to trust people though, and that is my next challenge to overcome.
* seeking a post-grad job and getting offers
* not letting robin hurt me this summer
* losing weight. still a lot to go but its a good start.
things i like
* the cats
* shadow
* planning for my future dogs
* weekends up north by myself
* canoeing
* doodling
* phone calls with kels
* dates with emily & lauren
* how often my friends tell me they love me
* my reptiles
* my reptile friends
* country music
* driving with all the windows down
* going down to the lake with shadow
* fishing
* singing in the car with lauren
* dancing with emily
* people besides em and lauren asking me to hang out... it always surprises me that other people like me
* water
* compliments from caleb
* clean room
* having a beer out on the porch
* danielle, julia, and edyta
* snapchats from dustin
* boats
* launching a boat perfectly
* my amazing brother ben. i love him more than anyone. being with him makes me feel more confident.

things that i don't like 
* constantly feeling inadequate
* my weight
* always feeling like an outsider, even when i'm not
* the pile of clothes i have to unpack
* how hard it will be to see caleb
* how i don't understand why he likes me
* how uninteresting a person i am
* diabetes
* my relationship with my parents
* the suburbs
* gas prices
* robin
* thinking mean things about strangers
* laziness
* not having the confidence to ask caleb if we are seeing each other exclusively
* being embarrassed of myself
* not having a canoe!