Friday, May 6, 2016

out vs in

There is a difference between people out there,
When I am in here; locked doors and cement walls between us
I am safe here
I don't have to worry here
I don't have to feel scared here
But people out there when I am out there,
They are not safe; they are screaming and leering,
Following and stalking,
They are running home instead of walking
They are fight or flight and fear of night
Those are who I'm scared of
I don't care about the others

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

just say it

i've told you how important it is for me to hear you say it
such a simple way to make me feel endlessly happy
so why won't you?
the longer that you don't, despite me explicitly asking you..
the more i think that it isn't what you want

Friday, April 8, 2016

cody

i just want to be with you forever and ever and ever
i want to figure out this whole life with you
you're my best friend forever
:)

i love you

i love you
i love you more than i ever thought possible
the thought of ever being without you breaks my heart
i want to be with you forever

all the silly little moments
the soft touches
the hello kisses and goodbye hugs
i miss you whenever you aren't here
i just really love you

Friday, March 4, 2016

Stop

I want it to stop
I'm tired of being tired
I'm tired of getting hurt
I'm tired of feeling forgotten
I'm tired of not feeing good enough
I hate that the world is whizzing by me at a million miles a minute
And I'm here, stuck, not figuring anything out
I'm sick of not handling my emotions
I'm sick of money
I wish the world would just stop and let me catch up

Friday, February 26, 2016

tell me again

i need reassurance 
affirmation 
i need you to tell me again about that future you sometimes think about 
about the wonderful life you know we'll have 
i need to hear it 

in the accident 
as my whole world was spinning 
i remember thinking that i'll never have my future with you now 
i saw my entire life with you flash before my eyes and vanish 
rings and dresses and blue eyed little kids 
as i screamed and rolled at that intersection 
my heart broke thinking that we would never have everything we had talked about 

so now i want you to say it again 
tell me again about it all over again 
make my heart race and eyes sparkle 
make me feel like i am everything you could ever need 
make me hold on to you tighter with everything you say 
smiling on your chest as you paint a picture of our wedding 
of dancing under the stars 
of how right it will all feel 
tell me about our kids 
how cute they'll be 
with my smile and your eyes 

please just tell me 
i know you don't like talking about it often 
but i like hearing it 
and there is nothing i'd like to hear more
than how everything is going to be as beautiful as i could ever dream 

still hurt

i thought that i let it all out yesterday
that i felt better today
that i was able to put it aside on focus on us

but seeing you now just filled my heart up with sadness
i know it's only one weekend
that i'll survive and i'll be fine
but i can't help but feel this overwhelming loneliness
i'm still too fragile to go out with friends
and i don't want to hang out with them anyways
i want to hang out with you
the one person who i desperately miss all day long

i don't want to spend my days trying to distract myself while i wait for you to come home
i just want you
i want you to be so intensely grateful that i'm ok
that you want to spend every second you can with me while i start feeling better
i wish you felt more possessive
more protective
after almost losing me
i wish you didn't want to let me out of your sight
i wish you were as worried about me as i would be about you
i wish you understood how badly i need to feel safe right now
how badly i need you to tell me that you don't know what you would do if you lost me

maybe i'm being self-centered
or over-sensitive
i don't know
i just can't suppress this feeling
that maybe you wouldn't be that heart broken after all

i know you have been very helpful
bringing me water and helping me sit up and doing anything that i have trouble with
but emotionally
you seem completely fine
why didn't this shake you up?
why didn't this scare you?
i feel terrified
why didn't you cry?
why didn't you grab me and rock me back and forth and thank god i was alive?
why didn't you smother me in your love and say that you could never let me go?
why are you leaving me now?
can't you see that i'm still in pain?
that i'm faking being better than i am?
can't you see that i'm fragile?
that i need you now?

i don't want to miss you now.
i don't want to go to bed without you.
i want you here with me, stroking my hair, telling me i'm ok.