Monday, September 1, 2014

things i'm proud of

* truly not caring about dylan anymore, and even being almost happy that he has found someone he is so compatible with. i understand that we just weren't a good match. his cheating still affects my ability to trust people though, and that is my next challenge to overcome.
* seeking a post-grad job and getting offers
* not letting robin hurt me this summer
* losing weight. still a lot to go but its a good start.
things i like
* the cats
* shadow
* planning for my future dogs
* weekends up north by myself
* canoeing
* doodling
* phone calls with kels
* dates with emily & lauren
* how often my friends tell me they love me
* my reptiles
* my reptile friends
* country music
* driving with all the windows down
* going down to the lake with shadow
* fishing
* singing in the car with lauren
* dancing with emily
* people besides em and lauren asking me to hang out... it always surprises me that other people like me
* water
* compliments from caleb
* clean room
* having a beer out on the porch
* danielle, julia, and edyta
* snapchats from dustin
* boats
* launching a boat perfectly
* my amazing brother ben. i love him more than anyone. being with him makes me feel more confident.

things that i don't like 
* constantly feeling inadequate
* my weight
* always feeling like an outsider, even when i'm not
* the pile of clothes i have to unpack
* how hard it will be to see caleb
* how i don't understand why he likes me
* how uninteresting a person i am
* diabetes
* my relationship with my parents
* the suburbs
* gas prices
* robin
* thinking mean things about strangers
* laziness
* not having the confidence to ask caleb if we are seeing each other exclusively
* being embarrassed of myself
* not having a canoe!


myself

what i like about myself
my  tattoos
my eyes
my smile
my collarbones
my hair
my independence
my wit
my long drives

what i don't like about myself 
my fat stomach
my fat legs
my fat arms
my manly hands and feet
my gross pump scars
my broken out skin
my self-centeredness
my mood swings
my fear
my nerves

Thursday, August 28, 2014

empty

it's happening more frequently
and getting easier every time
i love the rush that comes with each excuse
the feeling that i just cheated the system
the satisfying emptiness

Friday, August 22, 2014

everything

i want you to think of me when you hear that song

no benefits.

i don't know how to differentiate love and sex.
i don't know if sex means anything.
i use it as a tool; as a wall.
i mask my feelings with my sexuality.
they can't hurt me if they don't know me.