Sunday, September 28, 2014

going away

i'm not losing myself this time around
i'm taking the time i need to remember who i am

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

I'm done

My heart has been completely depleted
There is just nothing left
I'm done trying
I'm done looking
I'm not enough and I'll live every second of every day with that knowledge
There is no one out there that will fall in love with me just because I'm me
I can trick them with lies and games
But just being me is not good enough
I want to retreat back into myself
I tried being open and it got me no where
It just confirmed that I'm not good enough even more
I literally hate myself
And when I look at my body, I understand why I'm not worth the effort
I'm hideous and fat and disgusting
And if my body doesn't scare them away
Then my personality certainly will
Fuck I just hate myself so much
So so so much
I wish I was literally anyone else
I wish my stomach was flatter and my legs were twigs and my arms were slender and bony
I wish I wasn't to annoying
I wish someone could fall in love with me
But they won't and I'll never be who I want to be
So I'm done hoping.
Maybe they'll love me when I'm skinny

Hopeless dreaming

I wish he would fight for me because I don't want to leave but I can't stay without a reason.
I hate looking down at my body and believing so deeply and so truly that I really am not worth it
it's funny how you want me now

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Friday, September 19, 2014


you speak to me like i'm a stranger
and i guess that's 'cause i am
but for a second there i thought we knew
that we weren't.

i thought i saw in your eyes
what i felt in my heart

but i was kidding myself

people don't feel that way about me.

don't leave me by myself

darkness comes when i'm alone

Thursday, September 11, 2014


i want to fall in love again
i want to feel loved
i want to be wrapped up in someones arms and for once not have to wonder how long until they hurt me
i want someone who doesn't want to ever hurt me
i want to be the most beautiful girl in the world to someone
i want someone to see me and feel lucky

i'm tired of being dispensable

i want to meet someone who doesn't ever want to let me go


i wish i was the girl that someone was looking for

instead i'm the girl they're looking passed

i wish i was someone else

i'm disgusted with everything about myself

i'm fat
self centered

no wonder i'm not good enough


maybe if i was skinnier
maybe if i was prettier
maybe if i was funnier
maybe if i was wittier
maybe if i was more interesting
maybe if i was smarter
maybe if i wasn't me

maybe then they'd love me


i'm never enough to make them stay

Monday, September 1, 2014

things i'm proud of

* truly not caring about dylan anymore, and even being almost happy that he has found someone he is so compatible with. i understand that we just weren't a good match. his cheating still affects my ability to trust people though, and that is my next challenge to overcome.
* seeking a post-grad job and getting offers
* not letting robin hurt me this summer
* losing weight. still a lot to go but its a good start.
things i like
* the cats
* shadow
* planning for my future dogs
* weekends up north by myself
* canoeing
* doodling
* phone calls with kels
* dates with emily & lauren
* how often my friends tell me they love me
* my reptiles
* my reptile friends
* country music
* driving with all the windows down
* going down to the lake with shadow
* fishing
* singing in the car with lauren
* dancing with emily
* people besides em and lauren asking me to hang out... it always surprises me that other people like me
* water
* compliments from boy
* clean room
* having a beer out on the porch
* danielle, julia, and edyta
* snapchats from dustin
* boats
* launching a boat perfectly
* my amazing brother ben. i love him more than anyone. being with him makes me feel more confident.

things that i don't like 
* constantly feeling inadequate
* my weight
* always feeling like an outsider, even when i'm not
* the pile of clothes i have to unpack
* how hard it will be to see boy
* how i don't understand why he likes me
* how uninteresting a person i am
* diabetes
* my relationship with my parents
* the suburbs
* gas prices
* robin
* thinking mean things about strangers
* laziness
* not having the confidence to ask boy if we are seeing each other exclusively
* being embarrassed of myself
* not having a canoe!


what i like about myself
my  tattoos
my eyes
my smile
my collarbones
my hair
my independence
my wit
my long drives

what i don't like about myself 
my fat stomach
my fat legs
my fat arms
my manly hands and feet
my gross pump scars
my broken out skin
my self-centeredness
my mood swings
my fear
my nerves