Monday, October 1, 2012

Sunday, September 23, 2012

If only I could stop crying long enough to hit send


Dad...

I can't stop crying because a month ago today you stopped caring about me. I thought that forgetting about me would be hard for you, but I've finally realized that it isn't. I wish with all my heart that I could be the daughter that you always wanted, but I don't know what she looks like. Everything I've done up to this point in my life, was done in hopes of making you proud of me, and my heart is broken knowing that you never will be. I'm so tired of not being good enough. I wish you loved me.

Olivia

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Hide.

Let me sit here, in my own hurt
I want to hide here, forever
And ever

Outside is a scary place
And people are monsters
I won't let them take what I have

Can't get at me
Won't grab me
Won't rip the heart off my sleeve

Let me sit here, in my own fears
Because people can't hurt me
If they never meet me 

Maroon 5- Love Somebody


I know your inside, you're feeling so hollow
And it's a hard pill for you to swallow
But if I fall for you, I'll never recover
If I fall for you, I'll never be the same


I really wanna love somebody
I really wanna dance the night away
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way
I really wanna touch somebody
I think about you every single day
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way

You're such a hard act for me to follow
Love me today don't leave me tomorrow, yeah
But if I fall for you, I'll never recover
If I fall for you, I'll never be the same

I really wanna love somebody
I really wanna dance the night away
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way
I really wanna touch somebody
I think about you every single day
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way
Oh, oh, oh, oh

I don't know where to start, I'm just a little lost
I wanna feel like we never gonna ever stop
I don't know what to do, I'm right in front of you
Asking you to stay, you should stay, stay with me tonight, yeah

I really wanna love somebody
I really wanna dance the night away
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way
I really wanna touch somebody
I think about you every single day
I know we're only half way there
But you can take me all the way, you can take me all the way
Oh, oh, oh, oh

You can take me all the way, you can take me all the way

Saturday, July 14, 2012

I'm lost when I look into my mind
I'm only getting better
Why am I afraid
To look at myself now?

All I see is my failures
Staring back at me
Inadequacy blocking all light
Why can't I see passed you?

Running forward
Looking down
Never stumbling but keep regretting
Everything that's ever happened



Wednesday, April 18, 2012

3 3 3

i got on a train at 3:33
i rode it all the way to somewhere
somewhere i ain't ever seen
oh i took a train at 3:33

the car was cold and all was quiet
my seat was hard and the lights were dimmed
i watched the world pass on the way to somewhere
somewhere i ain't ever seen

i reached my station at 3:33
i had finally gotten somewhere
for all the places i ain't never been
i got somewhere at 3:33

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Friday, March 9, 2012

she waits

she is strong and self-sufficient
no, she doesn't need no help
but boy does it get awful lonely
in her fortress by herself

she is lovely and soft spoken
no, she never likes to yell
but boy does it get awful quiet
in her fortress by herself

by herself, she'll pace the wall
scanning down below
looking out for the bad guys
or someone come to say hello

she built her stone walls far away
from anyone alive
though the whole world is just down the lane
it's not safe to go outside

inside the walls she built herself
are her passions, are her things
it's not safe to go outside, she says
she'll wait for the bell to ring

Monday, March 5, 2012

Cry

I wish I could cry. I mean, I can cry, my tear ducts are fine. But I wish I could cry and not feel guilty about it, knowing that every tear sends me closer to death. I want to cry and think of nothing but what is making me sad. I want to cry with reckless abandon. I want to indulge myself and let it out. When I cry, a few tears make it down my cheek before I wipe them away and test. If I'm upset enough to cry, I'm upset enough to be unbelievably high. What a luxury it is, to be able to cry.

you and i

we're different, you and i
you start to cry and you tell me to smile
oh we're different, you and i
look in my eyes, dear, once and a while

days are flying, right on passed me
fast approaching the day that i need you most
but we're different, you and i
i'm looking forward, you're chasing yesterday's ghost

give up your pride
for a moment
give up your pain, give up your fear
i need you now, for a moment
to wipe away my tears

oh we are different, you and i
i'd never forget that day you died
oh we're different, you and i
you told me to smile when i needed to cry

Saturday, March 3, 2012

the day

words
streaming out his mouth
you were crying and i was still
lost in his words
lost in it all
you both spoke
made plans with your words
but i didn't know
what language you were speaking
blur
all a blur
crying
you were crying
still
i was still
still,
i remember it all
my ears did not register your sounds
my eyes could not register the scene
it happened and i didn't know how
still in the front seat
no words

i can't wait to stop getting all these needles

honey, this is forever

happy anniversary

sitting in a room on a bed of white
too young and too naive
i knew it would end, i'd be done
until you looked me in the eyes

this is forever

colors blurred
life flashed before my eyes
too young and too naive
for it to end, too young to end

half a life in fear
half a life in pain

i better make something of forever

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Be Calm- Fun

Be calm
I know you feel like you are breaking down.
I know that it gets so hard sometimes,
Be calm.
Take it from me, I've been there a thousand times.
You hate your pulse because it thinks you're still alive
and everything's wrong
It just gets so hard sometimes
Be calm.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

imperfect.

swallowed whole by imperfections
each flaw magnified
keeping me from moving on
staying my hand

i see them looking back at me
mocking me
i cannot reach them from where i stand
they are protected by habit and glass

eyes hide, smiles fade, walls erect
before i can intervene
imperfections run too deep
they cannot be stopped

Monday, January 30, 2012

Thrown Out

Eons passed and I relapsed
My determination wavered
I began to stagger
A moment passed, lost in time
And took with it the conviction I’d so long nurtured

Frozen lakes and frozen gaze
It was safer in the trees
Standing in the middle of the ice
Longing for forever unseen

My tracks so obvious
Leading straight to my shivering form
Easy prey, easily torn
Like the ice which holds me;
Easily broken

I hid, I hide
But I can feel the forest die
Shrinking faster that I can chase
Leaving me in this empty space

Galaxies formed as I stood on darkened land
But I can see them now that I am where I stand

Thursday, January 26, 2012

doubt conquers all

doubt until i'm broken
no hope left in this face
hidden hopes, forgot, unspoken
they cannot undo this pain

the sun peaks at the brink of day
but at the brink, i am insane
no sun at this brink, no light that i could speak of
just long shadows and long standing doubts

expectations are the enemy
they rip and they tear
they break pace, and i break face
the wound that caused the scar

each step leads to a stumble
every dream becomes a nightmare
expectations never live
only doubt is fair

Sunday, January 15, 2012

breaking point

 im tired of comparing, contrasting, despising and regretting.  see you soon april 19th.