Saturday, December 20, 2014

I hate myself

Why do you still care?
And why don't you care at all?
Why does the only person I want to love me not even care I'm alive

I hate my body
My personality
All it does is disgust people
There is nothing worth sticking around for
I repel people and they take away their love
Because I'm not worthy of it

You forgot about me

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

i'm just going to listen to taylor swift forever then
they've never been this high before
thick walls around my mind
no one's getting in anymore
my heart is only mine

for years they were still scale-able
some hope remained in tact
but now they are impossible
the smile's just an act

i don't care for handsome liars
for their webs of cold deceit
if anyone is going to hurt me
it's going to be me

it will be different when i'm thin

Wednesday, December 10, 2014


I want help but I want to be skinny too

The source

It all boils down to self hatred.
I get hurt because I believe it but know that I shouldn't.
And everytime I get hurt, I do that thing even more.
To make myself better.
To try and prove them wrong.
To prove to myself that I can do something right.
I'm not ok.


I guess I can't control it now

Friday, December 5, 2014

go away

i'd be fine without them
i wish they'd leave me alone.
i'll do it until my eyes are red & crying
to know i'm finally following through with something

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Can't help but think about you again.

The silent treatment seems to be over.
I wonder................

new friends

It's funny how quickly things change. In a matter of weeks, I know a completely new set of people. I'm hanging out and making plans with people who are almost strangers. It's refreshing to have new people in my life.

they want me

i don't want them

Tuesday, November 25, 2014


so fucking satisfying
i have such an active love life & yet i don't care for love.
my heart doesn't skip a beat
i don't smile to myself
my mind doesn't wander to far off times
i'm numb.


i wish everyone would go away so that i could get it out of me

shut upppppp

everytime i look at you, you're fucking lip is quivering
can you do literally anything and not cry about it? because it's the most annoying thing in the fucking world that you can't handle anything like an adult.

seriously shut up & fuck off

Saturday, November 22, 2014

You can still change your mind.

In my deepest, darkest of hearts, I know I'm not over you.
You were everything I am looking for...
You just weren't looking for me back.

Fuck right off

I'm tired of your negativity
Shut the fuck up
You're annoying and rude

Thursday, November 20, 2014




i wish they'd leave so i could get it all out

Monday, November 17, 2014

you're all liars

i don't trust anyone

you don't make friends with secrets (luckily i want to be alone)

i know i'm on a dangerous path
my thought process isn't healthy
nobody knows how bad it is.
and yet, it's comforting
it's mine. in a world where everyone thinks they know me,
i get a sick pleasure from hiding this;
a thrill when it progresses.
how far can i take this?
maybe i'll actually finish what i start for once.
maybe i'll actually reach a goal i've set for myself.

talk talk talk

can't you see that i'm not listening?
that there's more to me than this?
that you're advice does not mean anything?
that i too can see it how it is?

your words are uninvited
your ideas can just leave
i don't care for your thoughts on me
i'm not as stupid as i seem.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

i think i'm just tired of it.
searching &
hoping &
dreaming &
wondering &
analyzing &
doubting &
crying &
getting my heart broken.
i've been holding this feeling,
cradling it,
looking at it,
not quite sure what it was.
but i know now.
it's the absence of feeling itself.
i don't care about love anymore.
maybe one day it'll spark again...
but for now, i don't care.
i have animals and myself and the entire earth to love.

i don't care what you think when there is nothing to think about.

why does everything have to be something?
why can't friends be friends and flirting be flirting and nothing be nothing?
why does pointless require analysis?
harmless fun does not require opinion
or negativity
or input
i don't care what you think
i don't need your advice
let this be something and nothing and whatever i decide.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

one day

my smile will be meant for him
our fingers interlocked
my eyes won't hide their tears from him
he'll think my hands are soft

someone will think i'm good enough
just the way i am

Sunday, September 28, 2014

going away

i'm not losing myself this time around
i'm taking the time i need to remember who i am

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

I'm done

My heart has been completely depleted
There is just nothing left
I'm done trying
I'm done looking
I'm not enough and I'll live every second of every day with that knowledge
There is no one out there that will fall in love with me just because I'm me
I can trick them with lies and games
But just being me is not good enough
I want to retreat back into myself
I tried being open and it got me no where
It just confirmed that I'm not good enough even more
I literally hate myself
And when I look at my body, I understand why I'm not worth the effort
I'm hideous and fat and disgusting
And if my body doesn't scare them away
Then my personality certainly will
Fuck I just hate myself so much
So so so much
I wish I was literally anyone else
I wish my stomach was flatter and my legs were twigs and my arms were slender and bony
I wish I wasn't to annoying
I wish someone could fall in love with me
But they won't and I'll never be who I want to be
So I'm done hoping.
Maybe they'll love me when I'm skinny

Hopeless dreaming

I wish he would fight for me because I don't want to leave but I can't stay without a reason.
I hate looking down at my body and believing so deeply and so truly that I really am not worth it
it's funny how you want me now

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Friday, September 19, 2014


you speak to me like i'm a stranger
and i guess that's 'cause i am
but for a second there i thought we knew
that we weren't.

i thought i saw in your eyes
what i felt in my heart

but i was kidding myself

people don't feel that way about me.

don't leave me by myself

darkness comes when i'm alone

Thursday, September 11, 2014


i want to fall in love again
i want to feel loved
i want to be wrapped up in someones arms and for once not have to wonder how long until they hurt me
i want someone who doesn't want to ever hurt me
i want to be the most beautiful girl in the world to someone
i want someone to see me and feel lucky

i'm tired of being dispensable

i want to meet someone who doesn't ever want to let me go


i wish i was the girl that someone was looking for

instead i'm the girl they're looking passed

i wish i was someone else

i'm disgusted with everything about myself

i'm fat
self centered

no wonder i'm not good enough


maybe if i was skinnier
maybe if i was prettier
maybe if i was funnier
maybe if i was wittier
maybe if i was more interesting
maybe if i was smarter
maybe if i wasn't me

maybe then they'd love me


i'm never enough to make them stay

Monday, September 1, 2014

things i'm proud of

* truly not caring about dylan anymore, and even being almost happy that he has found someone he is so compatible with. i understand that we just weren't a good match. his cheating still affects my ability to trust people though, and that is my next challenge to overcome.
* seeking a post-grad job and getting offers
* not letting robin hurt me this summer
* losing weight. still a lot to go but its a good start.
things i like
* the cats
* shadow
* planning for my future dogs
* weekends up north by myself
* canoeing
* doodling
* phone calls with kels
* dates with emily & lauren
* how often my friends tell me they love me
* my reptiles
* my reptile friends
* country music
* driving with all the windows down
* going down to the lake with shadow
* fishing
* singing in the car with lauren
* dancing with emily
* people besides em and lauren asking me to hang out... it always surprises me that other people like me
* water
* compliments from boy
* clean room
* having a beer out on the porch
* danielle, julia, and edyta
* snapchats from dustin
* boats
* launching a boat perfectly
* my amazing brother ben. i love him more than anyone. being with him makes me feel more confident.

things that i don't like 
* constantly feeling inadequate
* my weight
* always feeling like an outsider, even when i'm not
* the pile of clothes i have to unpack
* how hard it will be to see boy
* how i don't understand why he likes me
* how uninteresting a person i am
* diabetes
* my relationship with my parents
* the suburbs
* gas prices
* robin
* thinking mean things about strangers
* laziness
* not having the confidence to ask boy if we are seeing each other exclusively
* being embarrassed of myself
* not having a canoe!


what i like about myself
my  tattoos
my eyes
my smile
my collarbones
my hair
my independence
my wit
my long drives

what i don't like about myself 
my fat stomach
my fat legs
my fat arms
my manly hands and feet
my gross pump scars
my broken out skin
my self-centeredness
my mood swings
my fear
my nerves

Thursday, August 28, 2014


it's happening more frequently
and getting easier every time
i love the rush that comes with each excuse
the feeling that i just cheated the system
the satisfying emptiness

Friday, August 22, 2014


i want you to think of me when you hear that song

no benefits.

i don't know how to differentiate love and sex.
i don't know if sex means anything.
i use it as a tool; as a wall.
i mask my feelings with my sexuality.
they can't hurt me if they don't know me.

paying off.

but i actually like my body today.
i was trying on bikinis for cuba and was absolutely shocked that i wasn't ashamed of what i saw.

i've lost weight. i know i have.
my mom knows i have.
it's comforting that she knows whats going on and is accepting it.
makes me feel stronger.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

last one

there's something about the way your eyes
steal my breath when they meet mine
envelope my entire mind in blue.
the way you speak seems so sincere,
say everything i need to hear
making me believe it might be true..

but what if you're like the last one?
what if i'm right and you're all the same?
yeah what if you pull a fast one?
and winning my heart is just a game?

when you touch me it ain't fair
break down my walls right then and there
ease the tension building in my brain.
you stroke my hair and grab my waist
pull me in and kiss my face
for a reason i don't understand at all

and when you interlock my hands with yours
to keep them warm when they get cold
i'm looking for a lie hidden in your smile...

thinking, "what if he's like the last one?
what if this is an act he's played before?
what if he doesn't mean it?
if he only wants me 'cause he's bored?

i bet you he could do better,
bet you he's waiting for the next best thing
bet you i'm just a stand in
til someone who's beautiful wants him"

oh darlin' don't be like the last one
darlin' im begging, prove me wrong

Monday, August 4, 2014


i feel desperate
desperate for him to like me
desperate to lock him down
desperate for a relationship far more serious than what we are right now
it's pathetic
all i want is to say that he's my BOYFRIEND.
i want to say that word
i want that to be something i have
i want someone to be there
someone to stick around
someone to hold me and listen to my secrets
i don't want that someone to leave me


i met someone i like
nothing has even started yet and i'm already waiting for him to hurt me
waiting for him to leave me
i'm panicking
i can't stop crying because i know that i'm not going to be good enough in the end
in the end, he'll find someone better
just like the others
i don't trust his smiles
i don't trust his touch
i don't trust his words
the only thing i can count on is the inevitable heartbreak to come

Thursday, July 17, 2014

i don't want to be single right now

waiting for a call
searching for a look
dreaming of the day
you'll come

trying to play it cool
not waiting around
but it feels like i'm dying

isn't there somebody out there
someone who's perfect for me?

alone again tonight
thought i was doing alright
but somehow my heart won't stop hurting
somehow my mind won't stop searching

i don't think i'll ever find him

but i need someone else to get you out of my head

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Sunday, June 8, 2014


i'm going to be beautiful.
i'm going to lose weight. a lot of it. quickly. unhealthily. satisfyingly.
i'm going to be everything that everyone wants.
including you.


i'm back
i'm inserting myself into your friends lives
i'm inviting them to parties
i'm going to be everywhere you turn
you won't be able to run from my name

i'm not letting you forget about me

still about you

i say that i wouldn't but i don't know how true that is

Monday, May 5, 2014

dear dylan...

i know it's been forever
and we're a million miles apart
but i can't help but love you
with every desperate beating of my heart

i know that you moved on to her
and it took no time at all
but i can't help but wish that
you'd regret it and you'd call

i know there's no hope in hell
that you've wondered how i've been
but were it true, i hope you knew
that i still love you, dylan.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014


The thought of falling in love again makes me sick.
The realization that there isn't anybody out there for me does too. 
Who could love me? 
I'm not what anybody wants. 

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

chronic pain

my whole body hurts; between the injections and the arthritis, every single body part hurts

my heart aches

and my brain won't stop

just leave me be

i had another dream about you last night

it felt so real

you texted me and asked if we could talk; you ended things with emma because you just couldn't pretend you were ok anymore

you apologized

you opened up about everything you've been feeling and the motivations behind all your actions

i was right about it all and i told you that i know

you held my hand and i started bawling my eyes out to you

about how much i missed you and loved you

i woke up bawling

and kept bawling when i realized it was all a dream.

Monday, April 7, 2014


just booked my first hiking trip of the season!!!
may 9-11th will be spent exploring frontenac provincial park
i wish i could start packing already!
i suppose making a list of the gear i want to get before hand will have to sustain me :-)

like a broken pencil

falling in love is pointless

Sunday, April 6, 2014

no contact

the silence is the worst part

someone tell me how.

how do you accept yourself
when those who promised they always would,

how do you love yourself
when those who promised they always would,

how do you move on
when those who promised they'd never leave,

how do you breathe
when you've been winded?
how do you think
when you've been broken?
how do you feel
when you've been numbed?

when your chest is heavy
and your feet won't lift off the ground?
when every breath hurts a little more
and every second is a little more real?

Friday, April 4, 2014

yeehaw country style kill yourself

You're just a bad habit
I can't wait to break
I shouldn't have loved you,
That's my biggest mistake
'Cause you were a liar
You were a snake

I'll always regret you
And the love that you faked
I'll never forgive you
For all this heartbreak

You used to be everything
You were all that I had
I loved you forever, but you went and broke that
Now you're just a habit that I can't wait to break

I'm a good sort of woman
But your a disease
So baby put my mind at ease...
Jump off the nearest tall building, please


I know, the every fiber of my being, that those puppies will make me happier than any person ever can.
And knowing that that happiness is so close and yet so unattainable at the moment is killing me.
My kitten provides me with so much happiness, she's the only thing that can make me smile despite my best efforts to cry.
Two dogs will do everything for me. I can them take everywhere on hikes and keep me active, sit on patios with, companions for camping, make me feel safe at night, give me something to sob into, hugs and kisses, goofiness and playfulness.... I seriously can't imagine how endlessly happy they will make me.

I want to graduate and get a job for the sole purpose of getting my dogs.


i feel guilty for thinking that nothing will ever compare

Thursday, April 3, 2014


Is when someone hurts you,
Turning to empathy instead of revenge

crazy cat lady

i seriously feel like my heart is bursting with love everytime i hug my kittens

artsy fartsy

i want my tattoos!

watercolour pine tree/wave, back right calf
totoro for tessa, right toe
look up, left outside wrist


i've lived my entire life wishing i was somewhere else
always dreaming of leaving
forever months and years away from now
hoping that it'll be better there
or then
i asked myself if this was a flaw
if wishing myself away was wrong in some way
but no,
it's just the draw of seclusion
and my craving for freedom
that keeps me living in tomorrow

one day

one can only wonder for so long,
what their inadequacies are;
what's wrong with them;
why they aren't good enough.
until that self hatred grows tired;
stings less;
turns cold.
until their mind grows weary
of crying.
until not being good enough is no longer good enough,
and their problems with me are problems are their problems alone.
until mental anguish stops being a way to live.

i'm not there yet.
i still wonder.
i'm still lost.
i still can't bear the weight of my own heartbreak and confusion.

but one day.


may 31st is fast approaching.
that's the day you move away.
you won't live just down the street from me anymore.
i don't know where you'll be.
i'm going to lose that last little thing that i know about you.
it makes me nauseous just thinking about it.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

things i'm looking forward to

1. halifax to visit kels
2. canoe trip at massassauga in early may
3. canoe trip may 24 weekend
4. getting a paycheck!
5. getting my tax return
6. multiple camping trips this summer
7. road trip to a country megaticket in july
8. seeing the one direction concert in august with emily, shervin and josh
9. getting two new tattoos in may and another in september
10. new glasses this week!
11. i can get dogs in a year when i graduate :D a great dane and a german short haired pointer, just like i've always wanted.
12. voice lessons this summer
13. a lot of baking this summer!
14. fishing so so soon!!!!
15. having money to buy clothes and camping equipment :D tobi here i come....!
16. this may be the year i purchase a canoe!
17. getting a haircut when i get my tax return
18. and a pedicure
19. docks
20. warm weather
i guess i should have been more like her

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Still dreaming

I had another dream about us last night. I saw you and everything got better. You told me you never stopped loving me.

I don't want to go to sleep again. Nothing it worse than waking up and not realizing that it was just a dream while you're waking up beside someone else.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

i wish this dream would come true

i had a dream that we talked. we went on a walk together and talked about everything; me, you, her, us...our conversation was open and honest. we joked around a bit and i could see that you still loved me. i hinted that i still loved you. we talked about being friends, but you said you couldn't just be friends with me after seeing me again. we talked about why we did what we did and for once we both understood each other. i didn't cry. you apologized genuinely and you held my hand. i woke up before it ended...

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

when he saw me

did it affect him at all?
why did he try to pretend he didn't see me?
does he care at all?
or is the new girl is world now?
does she make him "the happiest he's been in a long long time"?
does he ever think of me?
does anything remind him of me?
or am i truly just a forgotten mistake?
does he regret anything?
does he ever miss me?

all i need right now

i could really use a hug right now.

i really need a shoulder to cry on.

i need someone to grab my hands and look me in my eyes and tell me they love me.

i need to be wrapped up in someones arms and feel safe for the first time in forever.

i want someone to hold me until i can't cry anymore.

i want someone to wipe away my tears.

but a hug would be a wonderful place to start.


i miss holding hands
i miss having someone to call
i miss hugs
i miss little smiles that are only for me
i miss looking at someone and knowing that they care
i miss forehead kisses
i miss cuddling
i miss wasting time and never wanting to leave
i miss looking into each other eyes
i miss the butterflies i get when someone touches me
i miss waking up with someone
i miss knowing that someone thinks of me
i miss feeling worthy
i miss feeling loved

and yet, i'll never go looking for all of that again... the risk isn't worth it.
i'd rather be lonely and content than loved and left.


is anybody out there reading all this crap?


i don't have any anymore

people keep telling me it'll come back one day, when i forget about him

but it isn't just about him

it was taken from me before he did his best to take away any that remained.........

"you are not beautiful and anyone who ever told you that was lying"
"everyone here hates you"
"don't come back"
"you're an embarrassment"
"they're all using you"
"we all laugh at how stupid you are"
"she ruins everything"
"i'll always love you"
"you're my sunshine"
"i'm always here for you"
"i asked you to say it because i wanted to hear it"
"she was a random"
"i love you too"

the me from there

lying back on granite
looking up at a northern sky
my toes dipped in the water
gentle waves lapping against my skin
listening to the chirps of spring peepers
the cry of the loons
the quiet buzz of life all around me
no one can get me here
here i am safe
here i hold my heart in my own hands
here, i know myself
i am capable and strong
the me from here would not cry over anyone
the me from here takes midnight paddles
and sunrise casts
sunset fires
and midday naps
the me from here doesn't need medication
she doesn't need him or them 
the me from here goes skinny dipping and sings an off-key tune
the me from here is delighted in herself
she giggles at the ridiculous and compares herself to no one
she's absolutely perfect the way she is
the me from here lays with her back to ancient rock and looks up at even older ones
she's connected to it all
a tiny, hopeful speck of conscious stardust
the me from here is surrounded by galaxies and life and honesty
they don't know the me from here
i bet he would have loved her


you'll never apologize and i'll never forget


that moment when you wouldn't look at me.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

never thought that

did you ever think that
one day you would come back
and i would just let you back in?

that i'd just forgive you?
just 'cause i loved you?
that i would forget what you did?


'cause baby i would have
you could've just come back
my love didn't end when we did

but you never thought that
you didn't care like i did

you never wanted back in

and you could have walked right back in....


overwhelming sadness
is fighting to get in
it's beating my defenses
and i'm afraid that it'll win

my mind feels like it's defined,
separated into two:
one half is all my bravery
and the other is all you

i can feel this dread as it beats against
the border that divides
like waves crashing on the coastline
eroding me with time

i haven't let myself think clearly yet
form an image of your face
i'll start and then i'll stop myself
won't remember who i can't erase


endocrinologist appointment today
counselor appointment tomorrow
endo-optometrist friday


overwhelming sadness

Sunday, March 23, 2014

christina perri- human

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

Thursday, March 20, 2014


I feel trapped here
I'm screaming inside
Craving an escape
Wishing I could call him over
Dying to leave this place where everything breaks my heart

Fucking tired of it.

I'm so sick of all this stupid bullshit.

Fuck your passive aggression
This never ending drama
Never knowing if I did something to upset you
Constantly being unsure of our friendship
Fuck this boredom
Fuck this heartbreak
And the tears
And driving past your house
And missing you
And how it all still feels like a dream
How I'm still waiting for you to care
Fuck how invisible I am to you
How desperately I long to talk to you
How badly I wish it would just go back to normal
How pathetic and lonely I feel
Fuck that other guy for being crazy
For scaring me away
For not understanding that my wounds are still fresh
Fuck me for still being wounded
Fuck everyone and everything
Fuck all these aches and pains and nausea
Fuck the anxiety and insomnia
The highs and lows and blurred vision
Fuck these courses and my lack of motivation
Fuck being broke
Fuck everything and everyone

I want to leave
I want to go away
Somewhere far far away
Where I can spend my days happy with a dog
And no people to ruin me

Fuck falling in love
Fuck heartbreak
Fuck him for breaking me
Fuck me for being broken.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014


I walk around half blind to the world, stuck in an endless loop of thoughts of you and half realized panic that maybe today will be the day that I see you again


I woke up at 2am from a dream where I was begging for you. I woke up and begged for you a little more. I laid in the dark, alone, and thought of you with her. I thought of the words you said to me. I thought of the elation that you're touch gave me. I mourned for your security. I cried and cried and cried for everything I thought we were but never were. I can't handle the lies. I drive myself crazy trying to figure them out. I'm crazy. 

Monday, March 17, 2014

Today is a bad day

Dylan, I still love you.
My heart breaks all over again every morning that I wake up without you.
It kills me that I am nothing to you and there is nothing I wouldn't do to wake up in your arms again.
But I know that will never happen.
I'm doing my best to build my walls as high as possible.
All I want to do is hide alone behind all of my walls.
I don't think I'm ready for this new guy, but I refuse to let him go because I need to feel like I'm OK.
I'm invisible to you and yet I miss you so desperately.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

fake it til you make it....?

i'm acting more excited than i am
i love it when i'm with you
but when i'm not... i'm empty
there's nothing
you say such nice things and i know i should be excited about them so i act excited about them
but inside... the waters are calm
i don't know
i feel like a dick
i know that in another time i would be head over heels for you
and that's the time i want to be in
i think i've just numbed myself to love so effectively that i don't know how to make it go away now
and then i wonder... is this me being so down? or is it the depression? how could i actually feel that way? there are times when i'm so happy about you... are those manic times? i'm so scared of fucking this up because i'm messed up and cold and you're perfect and warm
how do i love again when the last time ended so cruelly?
why am i so cold?


you've been a constant presence in my mind
like a ringing in my ears
not a particular memory
but a pressure that i feel in the back of my brain
i don't know if i miss you or what

Saturday, March 15, 2014

that's pretty neat

I can't believe there are actually guys in this world who don't just want me for sex, who understand what they see and want to understand what they don't. It just feels so ..... nice.

I'm so used to being an easy fuck or a funny oddity. Someone who's personality just has to be accepted instead of enjoyed.

It's strange feeling like important

it's strange not hating who i am

Tuesday, March 11, 2014


i want to forget you
like you've forgotten me
but it's harder than it seems
and i'm weaker than they believe.


if i had wings i'd fly somewhere
so very far away
where the waters clear and the trees grow tall
no one will know the place

i'd swoop down mountains
and swish up cliffs
and float among the clouds
not a single obligation
could every bring me down

if i had wings i'd go alone
leave everyone behind
finally i would be free
from the confines of my mind

why are you still here

still you linger
not quite a thought
not yet a dream
fleeting glimpses in my mind
half remembered memories & half forgotten feelings
a wisp at the edges of my consciousness
disappearing before i can focus
a ghost, following at a distance
still you linger in my mind
all this clutter isn't pushing you out
you're holding on somehow
please let go

Sunday, March 2, 2014

this new guy

I didn't know it was possible to have so much fun with someone the first time ever meeting them!

I sure hope that he doesn't end up like Fuckface
I'm already forgetting him... I can feel that I still love him deep down somewhere, but knowing that he truly doesn't care has given me such an immense amount of strength towards moving on. I'm still curious about what he's doing, but it's not a sad or a morbid curiosity anymore. I don't mourn for him anymore.

This new guy though... he's incredible! So many cool hobbies, so warm and inviting, just a truly neat person. I've never met someone like him before. He seems to have such a passion for life and it looks like he has an independent streak just like me. It doesn't hurt that he's so handsome too!!! I don't know, I just have a really good feeling about him. We hung out for 4 hours and I didn't hear a single thing that I didn't like come out of his mouth (which cannot be said for Fuckface who talked about his ex on our first date). He also didn't check his phone, which is an uncommon courtesy these days. He really seems like such a genuinely wonderful person! It seems like he liked me too :-) at least I hope he did! Our cheeks were hurting from laughing and smiling so much. I wonder if he thought I was pretty? Was I what he expected? Is he attracted to me? And I wonder what he's like on a deeper level.... I want to get to know him more. I wonder if he's a person that I could trust? And vent to? And open up to? I wish I knew more about him!!! I also wish I kissed him when he caught me as I was falling..... that would have been so cute and I wanted to so badly!
This stuff stresses me out so much.... but right now it seems like a good problem to have :-)

Friday, February 28, 2014

Thursday, February 27, 2014

I'm getting better

I'm getting better at getting over you. After my hopes were totally crushed on Monday when I heard that you're already seeing Her, I just think you're a douche. I'm pretty enthusiastic with my hatred for you. I don't know what my reaction will be when I inevitably run into you, but hopefully that doesn't happen until things progress with this new guy.

THAT'S RIGHT A NEW BOY! I met someone that I'm super excited about. We have a stupid amount of things in common. He fishes, had a whole bunch of reptiles, says dorky sayings and dirty jokes. And he's HOT! Literally the exact type I'm attracted to. We've been texting and I've been giggling non stop for the last 2 days. He seems like an honest-to-goodness good guy! I can't wait to hang out with him :D

Family-wise..... Blegh. I wish they'd just leave me alone and stop harassing me.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Sunday, February 23, 2014

dear you,

i love you
i miss you

hopelessly waiting....

i don't know if you've come back from winter break yet
if you haven't yet, then you'll definitely be back today

i've looked out my window a thousand times expecting to see you walking up my driveway...
coming to say something, absolutely anything.

why haven't you come?

drake knows

You got your guards up, I do too. There's things we might discover
Cause you got a path and I do too, we're perfect for each other

Saturday, February 22, 2014

black & white

Maybe you are conceited and cold and closed off.
Or maybe you are kind and warm and love me.
I think you're both.

Maybe people aren't all good or all bad.
Maybe sometime's were assholes because it's easier than being honest.
I won't keep denying that you've been harsh,
but I will also never question your goodness.

You are a kind, funny person worthy of love and support.

please just tell me you miss me

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

7 words are all i want to hear

"i miss you and i love you"


i thought that forgiving you and telling you i'm here for you if you ever want to talk would give you enough hope to ask to try again.......

i guess that you don't care enough about me to care that you have hope.

i feel so stupid that you're the one who cheated and i'm the one that desperately wants you back. it isn't supposed to happen like that. i'm supposed to hate you and never want to see your face again and you're supposed to be wracking your brain thinking of ways to convince me that you can change. not the other way around.

someone link him this :(

i wish he would read this and know everything i've been thinking :(

i just don't believe it

i don't believe that you laughed
i don't believe that you have no conscious
i don't believe that you don't care because i forgave you
i don't believe that you're an asshole
i don't believe that you're a piece of shit
i don't believe that you're toxic
i don't believe that you're ok right now
i don't believe that you're a bad person
i don't believe that you're a psychopath
i don't believe that you aren't who i thought you were

how could someone who looked at me the way you looked at me be bad?

maybe you're confused
and lost
and lonely

but i'll help you figure it out
and find yourself
and be with you

against what everyone i know is telling me
i'd be with you again
because i believe that you're worth my time and love and energy
because i don't believe this needs to be over.

come back

i know that you done some things
and it seems like we're nothing
but i can't help but love you all the same

i know that we said some things
and it's like there's nothing to hold on to
but i can't help but hold on all the same

so come back to bed baby
it's cold here without you
come back to me baby
i can't live without you

you said you still love me
and baby, i still love you too
why don't we,
end all this heartbreak babe
'cause i won't stop loving you

and i know, how bad you're trying to move on
and i heard, you said i'm not the only one
but believe me when i tell you that i'm the only one for you
and i will not believe that baby you do not believe it too

so come back to bed baby
it's cold here without you
come back to me baby
i can't live without you

please come back baby
i promise i forgive you
please come back baby
i swear i'll always love you
please come back.


I woke up so madly in love with you 
My heart was beating right out of my chest 
And then I remembered 

He didn't love me

He didn't love my feet 
He didn't love my legs 
He didn't love my butt 
He didn't love my back 
He didn't love my shoulder 
He didn't love my arms 
He didn't love my hands 
He didn't love me when I touched him 
He didn't love me when I held his hand
He didn't love my neck 
He didn't love my collar bones 
He didn't love my hair 
He didn't love my face or my eyes or my mouth 
He didn't love me when I looked into his eyes 
He didn't love me when I kissed him all over 
He didn't love me when I smiled 
He didn't love me when I cried 
He didn't love my laugh 
He didn't love my voice 
He didn't love me when he woke up bedside me 
He didn't love me when he woke up away from me

He just didn't love me. 

Friday, February 21, 2014

very dark place

i'm so tired
it's literally one thing after another
i lost my boyfriend, my family and 2 animals in 3 days
i want to end it all
but im afraid of not succeeding

ive wanted to for weeks now
i think of it so often
i wish it would just happen already
im tired of being tired

i'm nothing to you

why isn't your heart breaking?!!!!

i'm embarrassed to say i was thinking of forever

i don't know how to be something you miss
i never thought we'd have a last kiss

cold as you- tswift

And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

falling apart

i wish you could read this and understand what you've done to me.
maybe something in you would change
maybe something would snap
maybe the floodgates would open and you'd finally feel everything you've been hiding away
you don't have to do this because of your dad
this doesn't have to be you
this isn't you!
that guy who would stay up all night with me as i rambled about my fears is NOT this guy
that guy is inside of you
you aren't destined to hurt people
why can't you see that i see that?!
why can't you!!!
you think you're supposed to be doing this, that it'll just happen because Fuck You right?!
i am weak and flawed and selfish and stupid, but i get you more than anyone
and i get why this happened
and i get why you are trying to act like you don't care
i get it.
i want you to come home and let me hold you and tell you that i get it
i want you to cry into my shoulder.
i want you to read these posts and see that i'm falling apart and i need you to need me.
i have literally been falling to the ground because my legs cannot support the weight of my sadness.

i love you and i wish you appreciated how hard you make it for me.
i wish you let yourself give a single shit about me.

i'm nothing

it sucks how badly i need you and how you don't miss me at all

Why am I surprised

You're best friend just told me that you said you don't feel bad anymore because I forgave you 

Why do I keep falling for it?!?! 

i just want to hold you

and tell you it will all be ok

this is exactly how i feel.... underneath it all- no doubt

There's times where I want something more
Someone more like me
There's times when this dress rehearsal
Seems incomplete
But, you see the colors in me like no one else
And behind your dark glasses you're... 
You're something else

You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
You're really lovely 

You know some real bad tricks
And you need some discipline
But, lately you've been trying real hard
And giving me your best
And, you give me the most gorgeous sleep
That I've ever had
And when it's really bad
I guess it's not that bad 

So many moons that we have seen
Stumbling back next to me
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
Better... better... 

You've used up all your coupons
And all you've got left is me
And somehow I'm full of forgiveness
I guess it's meant to be

You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lovely
Underneath it all
And you're really lovely

Come backkkkk

Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :( 
It's what I want it truly is 
I forgive you so much it hurts 
I will never bring it up again 
I'm getting help for my problems I promise 
It's water under the bridge 
It's the past and it doesn't matter 
All that matters is that I love you 


i haven't eaten since 3pm on monday.
i've had a little bit of juice when i've gone low yesterday and this morning
and a few beers on my date on wednesday
but i guess thats just liquid. and not even water.
i guess it's just comforting to have something that i can control,
that i can do "right".
i'm not even hungry, which is weird.
like, i'll feel hungry for a minute or two but then it goes away.
i don't feel dizzy or light headed,
although my chest muscles really hurt... i think that's just from being so tense though.
i feel empowered, like i can actually do something and not fuck up for a bit.
i wonder how long i can last?
i'm confident i can do today, and most likely tomorrow too.
i really just have no desire to eat anything whatsoever.
i've been looking at food blogs and reddit posts constantly to test myself,
to see if i crave anything.... and i don't, which is pretty cool.

i know this isn't normal or healthy but for now it feels right.


why would i judge and hate you for hurting me?
how many people have i hurt in my life?
i have been selfish in every relationship, with every person i've ever met
how could i resent you?
you hurt me, but only because i hurt you first
we were both stupid
but i love you even when you're stupid
why can't this just be something that forces us to face each other
instead of something that forces us to leave each other?
i wish you loved me enough for us to move past it

i forgive you

i forgive you and i understand and i miss you
there isn't anything i wouldn't give to have you show up at my door
for you to tell me we can work through this
for you to say that you love me and we can do it if we try
we were honest for the first time yesterday
we can try again and communicate
maybe this was just a test
i promise i would still trust you
i would forget about it if you asked me to
please just come back
i miss you

Thursday, February 20, 2014

"Bye liv"

How will I ever stop hurting?

the little things....

can we all just have a laugh at how many posts i've made in the last few days? looks like you get to see my entire internal monologue

better in the long run- miranda lambert

I’m just too selfish I guess
I know you’re tired and restless
It’s no surprise we’ve come undone
But I can’t unlove you just because
You say it’s better in the long run

I've screamed and cried and thrown things

And none of it erased what you did 

Torn apart again

I'm kicked out
You're done with me 
Tired of my shit 
I'm literally satan 
You said as you spit 
I'm vain and I'm stupid 
I'm just a cheap whore 
Don't ever dare to come back through this door 

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

you're not special

i'm going to forget about you so fast but there's an entire class of animals that will remind you of me every single time for the rest of your life

EDIT: Right after I posted this, I smelled him on my pillow. Looks like I'm going to cry a bit more.

red flags

stop fucking telling me how you all saw them
stop fucking telling me how i shouldn't have trusted him
i already feel stupid enough without you rubbing it in

"you love and you learn"

all i learned was to never love.

don't worry

i'll tell you i feel better and won't bring you down again
it was my fault for thinking you'd want to know

mean- taylor swift

You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again
Got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard
Calling me out when I'm wounded
You picking on the weaker man

You can take me down with just one single blow
But you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides
And your wildfire lies and your humiliation
You have pointed out my flaws again
As if I don't already see them
I walk with my head down
Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I bet you got pushed around
Somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now
'Cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

i miss you

i just wish i could talk to you or light you on fire either one

all that i have left

facebook messages that i can never respond to because you blocked me. why did you block me. you aren't allowed to hate me. you were supposed to grovel. not just leave.

pickup lines on tinder...... i remember the morning we sent those. i was sitting in the very first row of the center left column in the richards building in invert bio. i remember how great of a mood i was in just talking to you.

that's all i have. old words. old smiles. old promises. old hopes and laughs and blushing. all old lies.



why didn't you love me

goodbye trust

and just like that, another reason
'i love you's are all lies
you'd say those words with fingers crossed
and gaze into my eyes

and there you go, you broke me heart
and laughed at my despair
you've given me another reason
to never, ever, care

you took her home and held her hand
did you kiss her forehead too?
did you cuddle in my safest place
where everything you said was true?
did her hair fall across that same pillow
where i didn't feel alone?

did your fingers interlock and rest
where i once let someone in?
did you kiss her in the very spot
i believed that you were listening?

did you ever think,
just for a moment
of my smile and my skin
when you took her home and into bed
and ruined everything?

did anything i ever said
mean anything to you at all?

did i mean anything to you at all?

Monday, February 17, 2014

it's getting more and more real

you do what you want 'cause i'm not what you wanted

i know it's going to happen

i can feel it coming
i know we're going to end
the thought of it makes me sick
i don't know how i'll do it.

i know i have to
i know i have to push you until you're honest with yourself
i know i could leave it and things could go back to normal
but you need to be honest.

i know deep down exactly what that means for me
and i can't breathe.

i wish you'd say,

i will try to fix you

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Thursday, February 13, 2014


I wish I thought I could expect more 
I wish I thought that I deserve more 
I wish he'd care 
I wish he'd see what's in front of him 
I wish I was appreciated 
I wish I did things that would make people appreciate me 
I wish he saw me differently 
I wish I knew how to ask. 


It sucks and I wish I mattered.

And I wish i thought I mattered too.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014


to be a better listener
to let others speak without interjecting
to love more openly
to be a better friend
to compliment people more
to harden myself to accidental insults
to rely on myself more
to talk less about myself and my feelings
to make them laugh more
to not be a downer
to not compare
to be more positive
to act like a girlfriend even if it feels weird
to not let my feelings get hurt by stupid things

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

I want to be alone

I seriously don't think he loves me
I think he thought he did
But then life happened and he realized that he doesn't
And now he's trapped because I said it and he agreed
I feel so foolish for believing for one single second that he ever could
I'm so stupid
I hate myself for my illness
I hate those doctors
Hate them
I wish they would just disappear and leave me be
I don't ever want to see them again
They think I'm stupid
I want to leave so badly
Leave everyone here
I'm only happy when I'm alone
People make me sad
People make me feel fat
And guilty
And ugly
And selfish
And aggressive
I'm not aggressive when I'm alone
I don't hate my body when I'm alone
I don't constantly compare how fat I am to others when I'm alone
I don't get let down when I'm alone
I don't fall in love and scare them away when I'm alone
It's just me and trees and water and I understand what's happening and I fit it
I fit in when I'm alone
I blend in to the trees
I'm not emotional and fat and sad when I'm alone in the trees
I miss not feeling sad
I miss not crying
I miss not being a burden to people
Poor boy, I tricked him into thinking I was stable
It was an accident
And now he feels smothered and he'll leave
I have no doubt about it
How could you love someone so sensitive? I couldn't
I couldn't fall in love with me if I was someone else
All my jokes are annoying and not funny in the slightest
I repeat things and it irritates people
I can't even look people in the eyes anymore
I hate knowing they can see me
I just want to be alone
I'm so close to jumping in my truck and driving somewhere so far away
I don't know why I'm getting this stupid degree so that I can feel stupid at work for the rest of my life
I don't know why I do anything that I do anymore
It's all pointless and I'm a burden
I need to leave people alone
Stop telling them if I'm sad
No one cares and no one wants to know
WHY do I keep telling them? Why do I keep feeling the need to share my infinitely small problems with the world?
No one fucking cares!!!
I don't even care anymore
I want to be numb
I'm going to be numb
Numb and fake
Fake smiling, fake happy
Pretend he loves me, pretend they love me
Pretend pretend pretend until I can be alone
Just biding my time until I can leave them be
I'll be alone and out of their way
They won't miss me and I'll learn to live without them
I'll be happy all alone
With no one there to let me down.

He loves me not

I seriously don't think he does 

I'm not ok today.

I thought I was....
Everything was going so well. I actually slept last night. I woke up happy and refreshed for the first time in forever. I had a healthy breakfast and headed to the library, ready to tackle the day. And then I sat down and got that call and remembered that I'm not allowed to be happy.

No one will ever leave me alone long enough to just be happy.

Leave me alone, please.

I'm begging you.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Pull back

I'm serious this time


everyone can just suck my dick

i'm so tired of having my feelings hurt

i knew it was just me he wouldn't come for and i was right

i'm so sick of my feelings not mattering because i'm forgiving

i don't want to be taken advantage of anymore

i need to leave everyone behind me

and start again on my own

i need to be alone.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

so close...

giving up
caving in
breaking down
i'm worn too thin
so close to cracking
a hundred fractures held together by nothing
maybe it's time to fall apart.

i am so alone

and all i can do is cry.

trust is pointless

no one wants your burdens

you are fodder for gossip, nothing else

don't allow yourself to trust those who don't love you

aka. don't trust anyone.

retreat retreat retreat back to your mind, they can think it's all fine, don't show them inside, goodbye.


stop pretending they don't tear apart
every word you say
don't fool yourself into thinking
they care about your day

or your week
or your month
or your life

you're just another inconvenience
a gossip topic
bitch and moan about you

don't fall for kind words
not this time

time to fall away

Thursday, January 16, 2014


i see your body
i see mine
you're so beautiful
and i am just me

i see your brain
i see mine
you're so intelligent
why am i just me?

what do i mean 'just me'?
why does 'me' mean lesser?
why can't i be good enough for myself?
why must i compare?

Sunday, January 5, 2014


surround myself with noises
anything to cloud my mind
i'm sick of making choices
i'm not making them this time

my brow is always furrowed
and my fists are clenched dead white
i wake up each morning angry
go to bed mad every night

i'm angry at the people
who entrap me in their games
i'm pissed at all the liars
who use me for their selfish gain

all i'll build is walls now
to keep out everyone
no one's allowed to see me
i am fucking done.