Saturday, March 29, 2014

Still dreaming

I had another dream about us last night. I saw you and everything got better. You told me you never stopped loving me.

I don't want to go to sleep again. Nothing it worse than waking up and not realizing that it was just a dream while you're waking up beside someone else.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

i wish this dream would come true

i had a dream that we talked. we went on a walk together and talked about everything; me, you, her, us...our conversation was open and honest. we joked around a bit and i could see that you still loved me. i hinted that i still loved you. we talked about being friends, but you said you couldn't just be friends with me after seeing me again. we talked about why we did what we did and for once we both understood each other. i didn't cry. you apologized genuinely and you held my hand. i woke up before it ended...

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

when he saw me

did it affect him at all?
why did he try to pretend he didn't see me?
does he care at all?
or is the new girl is world now?
does she make him "the happiest he's been in a long long time"?
does he ever think of me?
does anything remind him of me?
or am i truly just a forgotten mistake?
does he regret anything?
does he ever miss me?

all i need right now

i could really use a hug right now.

i really need a shoulder to cry on.

i need someone to grab my hands and look me in my eyes and tell me they love me.

i need to be wrapped up in someones arms and feel safe for the first time in forever.

i want someone to hold me until i can't cry anymore.

i want someone to wipe away my tears.

but a hug would be a wonderful place to start.


i miss holding hands
i miss having someone to call
i miss hugs
i miss little smiles that are only for me
i miss looking at someone and knowing that they care
i miss forehead kisses
i miss cuddling
i miss wasting time and never wanting to leave
i miss looking into each other eyes
i miss the butterflies i get when someone touches me
i miss waking up with someone
i miss knowing that someone thinks of me
i miss feeling worthy
i miss feeling loved

and yet, i'll never go looking for all of that again... the risk isn't worth it.
i'd rather be lonely and content than loved and left.


is anybody out there reading all this crap?


i don't have any anymore

people keep telling me it'll come back one day, when i forget about him

but it isn't just about him

it was taken from me before he did his best to take away any that remained.........

"you are not beautiful and anyone who ever told you that was lying"
"everyone here hates you"
"don't come back"
"you're an embarrassment"
"they're all using you"
"we all laugh at how stupid you are"
"she ruins everything"
"i'll always love you"
"you're my sunshine"
"i'm always here for you"
"i asked you to say it because i wanted to hear it"
"she was a random"
"i love you too"

the me from there

lying back on granite
looking up at a northern sky
my toes dipped in the water
gentle waves lapping against my skin
listening to the chirps of spring peepers
the cry of the loons
the quiet buzz of life all around me
no one can get me here
here i am safe
here i hold my heart in my own hands
here, i know myself
i am capable and strong
the me from here would not cry over anyone
the me from here takes midnight paddles
and sunrise casts
sunset fires
and midday naps
the me from here doesn't need medication
she doesn't need him or them 
the me from here goes skinny dipping and sings an off-key tune
the me from here is delighted in herself
she giggles at the ridiculous and compares herself to no one
she's absolutely perfect the way she is
the me from here lays with her back to ancient rock and looks up at even older ones
she's connected to it all
a tiny, hopeful speck of conscious stardust
the me from here is surrounded by galaxies and life and honesty
they don't know the me from here
i bet he would have loved her


you'll never apologize and i'll never forget


that moment when you wouldn't look at me.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

never thought that

did you ever think that
one day you would come back
and i would just let you back in?

that i'd just forgive you?
just 'cause i loved you?
that i would forget what you did?


'cause baby i would have
you could've just come back
my love didn't end when we did

but you never thought that
you didn't care like i did

you never wanted back in

and you could have walked right back in....


overwhelming sadness
is fighting to get in
it's beating my defenses
and i'm afraid that it'll win

my mind feels like it's defined,
separated into two:
one half is all my bravery
and the other is all you

i can feel this dread as it beats against
the border that divides
like waves crashing on the coastline
eroding me with time

i haven't let myself think clearly yet
form an image of your face
i'll start and then i'll stop myself
won't remember who i can't erase


endocrinologist appointment today
counselor appointment tomorrow
endo-optometrist friday


overwhelming sadness

Sunday, March 23, 2014

christina perri- human

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

Thursday, March 20, 2014


I feel trapped here
I'm screaming inside
Craving an escape
Wishing I could call him over
Dying to leave this place where everything breaks my heart

Fucking tired of it.

I'm so sick of all this stupid bullshit.

Fuck your passive aggression
This never ending drama
Never knowing if I did something to upset you
Constantly being unsure of our friendship
Fuck this boredom
Fuck this heartbreak
And the tears
And driving past your house
And missing you
And how it all still feels like a dream
How I'm still waiting for you to care
Fuck how invisible I am to you
How desperately I long to talk to you
How badly I wish it would just go back to normal
How pathetic and lonely I feel
Fuck that other guy for being crazy
For scaring me away
For not understanding that my wounds are still fresh
Fuck me for still being wounded
Fuck everyone and everything
Fuck all these aches and pains and nausea
Fuck the anxiety and insomnia
The highs and lows and blurred vision
Fuck these courses and my lack of motivation
Fuck being broke
Fuck everything and everyone

I want to leave
I want to go away
Somewhere far far away
Where I can spend my days happy with a dog
And no people to ruin me

Fuck falling in love
Fuck heartbreak
Fuck him for breaking me
Fuck me for being broken.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014


I walk around half blind to the world, stuck in an endless loop of thoughts of you and half realized panic that maybe today will be the day that I see you again


I woke up at 2am from a dream where I was begging for you. I woke up and begged for you a little more. I laid in the dark, alone, and thought of you with her. I thought of the words you said to me. I thought of the elation that you're touch gave me. I mourned for your security. I cried and cried and cried for everything I thought we were but never were. I can't handle the lies. I drive myself crazy trying to figure them out. I'm crazy. 

Monday, March 17, 2014

Today is a bad day

Dylan, I still love you.
My heart breaks all over again every morning that I wake up without you.
It kills me that I am nothing to you and there is nothing I wouldn't do to wake up in your arms again.
But I know that will never happen.
I'm doing my best to build my walls as high as possible.
All I want to do is hide alone behind all of my walls.
I don't think I'm ready for this new guy, but I refuse to let him go because I need to feel like I'm OK.
I'm invisible to you and yet I miss you so desperately.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

fake it til you make it....?

i'm acting more excited than i am
i love it when i'm with you
but when i'm not... i'm empty
there's nothing
you say such nice things and i know i should be excited about them so i act excited about them
but inside... the waters are calm
i don't know
i feel like a dick
i know that in another time i would be head over heels for you
and that's the time i want to be in
i think i've just numbed myself to love so effectively that i don't know how to make it go away now
and then i wonder... is this me being so down? or is it the depression? how could i actually feel that way? there are times when i'm so happy about you... are those manic times? i'm so scared of fucking this up because i'm messed up and cold and you're perfect and warm
how do i love again when the last time ended so cruelly?
why am i so cold?


you've been a constant presence in my mind
like a ringing in my ears
not a particular memory
but a pressure that i feel in the back of my brain
i don't know if i miss you or what

Saturday, March 15, 2014

that's pretty neat

I can't believe there are actually guys in this world who don't just want me for sex, who understand what they see and want to understand what they don't. It just feels so ..... nice.

I'm so used to being an easy fuck or a funny oddity. Someone who's personality just has to be accepted instead of enjoyed.

It's strange feeling like important

it's strange not hating who i am

Tuesday, March 11, 2014


i want to forget you
like you've forgotten me
but it's harder than it seems
and i'm weaker than they believe.


if i had wings i'd fly somewhere
so very far away
where the waters clear and the trees grow tall
no one will know the place

i'd swoop down mountains
and swish up cliffs
and float among the clouds
not a single obligation
could every bring me down

if i had wings i'd go alone
leave everyone behind
finally i would be free
from the confines of my mind

why are you still here

still you linger
not quite a thought
not yet a dream
fleeting glimpses in my mind
half remembered memories & half forgotten feelings
a wisp at the edges of my consciousness
disappearing before i can focus
a ghost, following at a distance
still you linger in my mind
all this clutter isn't pushing you out
you're holding on somehow
please let go

Sunday, March 2, 2014

this new guy

I didn't know it was possible to have so much fun with someone the first time ever meeting them!

I sure hope that he doesn't end up like Fuckface
I'm already forgetting him... I can feel that I still love him deep down somewhere, but knowing that he truly doesn't care has given me such an immense amount of strength towards moving on. I'm still curious about what he's doing, but it's not a sad or a morbid curiosity anymore. I don't mourn for him anymore.

This new guy though... he's incredible! So many cool hobbies, so warm and inviting, just a truly neat person. I've never met someone like him before. He seems to have such a passion for life and it looks like he has an independent streak just like me. It doesn't hurt that he's so handsome too!!! I don't know, I just have a really good feeling about him. We hung out for 4 hours and I didn't hear a single thing that I didn't like come out of his mouth (which cannot be said for Fuckface who talked about his ex on our first date). He also didn't check his phone, which is an uncommon courtesy these days. He really seems like such a genuinely wonderful person! It seems like he liked me too :-) at least I hope he did! Our cheeks were hurting from laughing and smiling so much. I wonder if he thought I was pretty? Was I what he expected? Is he attracted to me? And I wonder what he's like on a deeper level.... I want to get to know him more. I wonder if he's a person that I could trust? And vent to? And open up to? I wish I knew more about him!!! I also wish I kissed him when he caught me as I was falling..... that would have been so cute and I wanted to so badly!
This stuff stresses me out so much.... but right now it seems like a good problem to have :-)