just booked my first hiking trip of the season!!! may 9-11th will be spent exploring frontenac provincial park i wish i could start packing already! i suppose making a list of the gear i want to get before hand will have to sustain me :-)
I know, the every fiber of my being, that those puppies will make me happier than any person ever can. And knowing that that happiness is so close and yet so unattainable at the moment is killing me. My kitten provides me with so much happiness, she's the only thing that can make me smile despite my best efforts to cry. Two dogs will do everything for me. I can them take everywhere on hikes and keep me active, sit on patios with, companions for camping, make me feel safe at night, give me something to sob into, hugs and kisses, goofiness and playfulness.... I seriously can't imagine how endlessly happy they will make me.
I want to graduate and get a job for the sole purpose of getting my dogs.
i've lived my entire life wishing i was somewhere else
always dreaming of leaving
forever months and years away from now
hoping that it'll be better there
i asked myself if this was a flaw
if wishing myself away was wrong in some way
it's just the draw of seclusion
and my craving for freedom
that keeps me living in tomorrow
one can only wonder for so long, what their inadequacies are; what's wrong with them; why they aren't good enough. until that self hatred grows tired; stings less; turns cold. until their mind grows weary of crying. until not being good enough is no longer good enough, and their problems with me are problems are their problems alone. until mental anguish stops being a way to live.
i'm not there yet. i still wonder. i'm still lost. i still can't bear the weight of my own heartbreak and confusion.
may 31st is fast approaching. that's the day you move away. you won't live just down the street from me anymore. i don't know where you'll be. i'm going to lose that last little thing that i know about you. it makes me nauseous just thinking about it.
1. halifax to visit kels
2. canoe trip at massassauga in early may
3. canoe trip may 24 weekend
4. getting a paycheck!
5. getting my tax return
6. multiple camping trips this summer
7. road trip to a country megaticket in july
8. seeing the one direction concert in august with emily, shervin and josh
9. getting two new tattoos in may and another in september
10. new glasses this week!
11. i can get dogs in a year when i graduate :D a great dane and a german short haired pointer, just like i've always wanted.
12. voice lessons this summer
13. a lot of baking this summer!
14. fishing so so soon!!!!
15. having money to buy clothes and camping equipment :D tobi here i come....!
16. this may be the year i purchase a canoe!
17. getting a haircut when i get my tax return
18. and a pedicure
20. warm weather