Tuesday, April 29, 2014


The thought of falling in love again makes me sick.
The realization that there isn't anybody out there for me does too. 
Who could love me? 
I'm not what anybody wants. 

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

chronic pain

my whole body hurts; between the injections and the arthritis, every single body part hurts

my heart aches

and my brain won't stop

just leave me be

i had another dream about you last night

it felt so real

you texted me and asked if we could talk; you ended things with emma because you just couldn't pretend you were ok anymore

you apologized

you opened up about everything you've been feeling and the motivations behind all your actions

i was right about it all and i told you that i know

you held my hand and i started bawling my eyes out to you

about how much i missed you and loved you

i woke up bawling

and kept bawling when i realized it was all a dream.

Monday, April 7, 2014


just booked my first hiking trip of the season!!!
may 9-11th will be spent exploring frontenac provincial park
i wish i could start packing already!
i suppose making a list of the gear i want to get before hand will have to sustain me :-)

like a broken pencil

falling in love is pointless

Sunday, April 6, 2014

no contact

the silence is the worst part

someone tell me how.

how do you accept yourself
when those who promised they always would,

how do you love yourself
when those who promised they always would,

how do you move on
when those who promised they'd never leave,

how do you breathe
when you've been winded?
how do you think
when you've been broken?
how do you feel
when you've been numbed?

when your chest is heavy
and your feet won't lift off the ground?
when every breath hurts a little more
and every second is a little more real?

Friday, April 4, 2014

yeehaw country style kill yourself

You're just a bad habit
I can't wait to break
I shouldn't have loved you,
That's my biggest mistake
'Cause you were a liar
You were a snake

I'll always regret you
And the love that you faked
I'll never forgive you
For all this heartbreak

You used to be everything
You were all that I had
I loved you forever, but you went and broke that
Now you're just a habit that I can't wait to break

I'm a good sort of woman
But your a disease
So baby put my mind at ease...
Jump off the nearest tall building, please


I know, the every fiber of my being, that those puppies will make me happier than any person ever can.
And knowing that that happiness is so close and yet so unattainable at the moment is killing me.
My kitten provides me with so much happiness, she's the only thing that can make me smile despite my best efforts to cry.
Two dogs will do everything for me. I can them take everywhere on hikes and keep me active, sit on patios with, companions for camping, make me feel safe at night, give me something to sob into, hugs and kisses, goofiness and playfulness.... I seriously can't imagine how endlessly happy they will make me.

I want to graduate and get a job for the sole purpose of getting my dogs.


i feel guilty for thinking that nothing will ever compare

Thursday, April 3, 2014


Is when someone hurts you,
Turning to empathy instead of revenge

crazy cat lady

i seriously feel like my heart is bursting with love everytime i hug my kittens

artsy fartsy

i want my tattoos!

watercolour pine tree/wave, back right calf
totoro for tessa, right toe
look up, left outside wrist


i've lived my entire life wishing i was somewhere else
always dreaming of leaving
forever months and years away from now
hoping that it'll be better there
or then
i asked myself if this was a flaw
if wishing myself away was wrong in some way
but no,
it's just the draw of seclusion
and my craving for freedom
that keeps me living in tomorrow

one day

one can only wonder for so long,
what their inadequacies are;
what's wrong with them;
why they aren't good enough.
until that self hatred grows tired;
stings less;
turns cold.
until their mind grows weary
of crying.
until not being good enough is no longer good enough,
and their problems with me are problems are their problems alone.
until mental anguish stops being a way to live.

i'm not there yet.
i still wonder.
i'm still lost.
i still can't bear the weight of my own heartbreak and confusion.

but one day.


may 31st is fast approaching.
that's the day you move away.
you won't live just down the street from me anymore.
i don't know where you'll be.
i'm going to lose that last little thing that i know about you.
it makes me nauseous just thinking about it.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

things i'm looking forward to

1. halifax to visit kels
2. canoe trip at massassauga in early may
3. canoe trip may 24 weekend
4. getting a paycheck!
5. getting my tax return
6. multiple camping trips this summer
7. road trip to a country megaticket in july
8. seeing the one direction concert in august with emily, shervin and josh
9. getting two new tattoos in may and another in september
10. new glasses this week!
11. i can get dogs in a year when i graduate :D a great dane and a german short haired pointer, just like i've always wanted.
12. voice lessons this summer
13. a lot of baking this summer!
14. fishing so so soon!!!!
15. having money to buy clothes and camping equipment :D tobi here i come....!
16. this may be the year i purchase a canoe!
17. getting a haircut when i get my tax return
18. and a pedicure
19. docks
20. warm weather
i guess i should have been more like her