Friday, February 28, 2014

Thursday, February 27, 2014

I'm getting better

I'm getting better at getting over you. After my hopes were totally crushed on Monday when I heard that you're already seeing Her, I just think you're a douche. I'm pretty enthusiastic with my hatred for you. I don't know what my reaction will be when I inevitably run into you, but hopefully that doesn't happen until things progress with this new guy.

THAT'S RIGHT A NEW BOY! I met someone that I'm super excited about. We have a stupid amount of things in common. He fishes, had a whole bunch of reptiles, says dorky sayings and dirty jokes. And he's HOT! Literally the exact type I'm attracted to. We've been texting and I've been giggling non stop for the last 2 days. He seems like an honest-to-goodness good guy! I can't wait to hang out with him :D

Family-wise..... Blegh. I wish they'd just leave me alone and stop harassing me.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Sunday, February 23, 2014

dear you,

i love you
i miss you

hopelessly waiting....

i don't know if you've come back from winter break yet
if you haven't yet, then you'll definitely be back today

i've looked out my window a thousand times expecting to see you walking up my driveway...
coming to say something, absolutely anything.

why haven't you come?

drake knows

You got your guards up, I do too. There's things we might discover
Cause you got a path and I do too, we're perfect for each other

Saturday, February 22, 2014

black & white

Maybe you are conceited and cold and closed off.
Or maybe you are kind and warm and love me.
I think you're both.

Maybe people aren't all good or all bad.
Maybe sometime's were assholes because it's easier than being honest.
I won't keep denying that you've been harsh,
but I will also never question your goodness.

You are a kind, funny person worthy of love and support.

please just tell me you miss me

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

7 words are all i want to hear

"i miss you and i love you"


i thought that forgiving you and telling you i'm here for you if you ever want to talk would give you enough hope to ask to try again.......

i guess that you don't care enough about me to care that you have hope.

i feel so stupid that you're the one who cheated and i'm the one that desperately wants you back. it isn't supposed to happen like that. i'm supposed to hate you and never want to see your face again and you're supposed to be wracking your brain thinking of ways to convince me that you can change. not the other way around.

someone link him this :(

i wish he would read this and know everything i've been thinking :(

i just don't believe it

i don't believe that you laughed
i don't believe that you have no conscious
i don't believe that you don't care because i forgave you
i don't believe that you're an asshole
i don't believe that you're a piece of shit
i don't believe that you're toxic
i don't believe that you're ok right now
i don't believe that you're a bad person
i don't believe that you're a psychopath
i don't believe that you aren't who i thought you were

how could someone who looked at me the way you looked at me be bad?

maybe you're confused
and lost
and lonely

but i'll help you figure it out
and find yourself
and be with you

against what everyone i know is telling me
i'd be with you again
because i believe that you're worth my time and love and energy
because i don't believe this needs to be over.

come back

i know that you done some things
and it seems like we're nothing
but i can't help but love you all the same

i know that we said some things
and it's like there's nothing to hold on to
but i can't help but hold on all the same

so come back to bed baby
it's cold here without you
come back to me baby
i can't live without you

you said you still love me
and baby, i still love you too
why don't we,
end all this heartbreak babe
'cause i won't stop loving you

and i know, how bad you're trying to move on
and i heard, you said i'm not the only one
but believe me when i tell you that i'm the only one for you
and i will not believe that baby you do not believe it too

so come back to bed baby
it's cold here without you
come back to me baby
i can't live without you

please come back baby
i promise i forgive you
please come back baby
i swear i'll always love you
please come back.


I woke up so madly in love with you 
My heart was beating right out of my chest 
And then I remembered 

He didn't love me

He didn't love my feet 
He didn't love my legs 
He didn't love my butt 
He didn't love my back 
He didn't love my shoulder 
He didn't love my arms 
He didn't love my hands 
He didn't love me when I touched him 
He didn't love me when I held his hand
He didn't love my neck 
He didn't love my collar bones 
He didn't love my hair 
He didn't love my face or my eyes or my mouth 
He didn't love me when I looked into his eyes 
He didn't love me when I kissed him all over 
He didn't love me when I smiled 
He didn't love me when I cried 
He didn't love my laugh 
He didn't love my voice 
He didn't love me when he woke up bedside me 
He didn't love me when he woke up away from me

He just didn't love me. 

Friday, February 21, 2014

very dark place

i'm so tired
it's literally one thing after another
i lost my boyfriend, my family and 2 animals in 3 days
i want to end it all
but im afraid of not succeeding

ive wanted to for weeks now
i think of it so often
i wish it would just happen already
im tired of being tired

i'm nothing to you

why isn't your heart breaking?!!!!

i'm embarrassed to say i was thinking of forever

i don't know how to be something you miss
i never thought we'd have a last kiss

cold as you- tswift

And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

falling apart

i wish you could read this and understand what you've done to me.
maybe something in you would change
maybe something would snap
maybe the floodgates would open and you'd finally feel everything you've been hiding away
you don't have to do this because of your dad
this doesn't have to be you
this isn't you!
that guy who would stay up all night with me as i rambled about my fears is NOT this guy
that guy is inside of you
you aren't destined to hurt people
why can't you see that i see that?!
why can't you!!!
you think you're supposed to be doing this, that it'll just happen because Fuck You right?!
i am weak and flawed and selfish and stupid, but i get you more than anyone
and i get why this happened
and i get why you are trying to act like you don't care
i get it.
i want you to come home and let me hold you and tell you that i get it
i want you to cry into my shoulder.
i want you to read these posts and see that i'm falling apart and i need you to need me.
i have literally been falling to the ground because my legs cannot support the weight of my sadness.

i love you and i wish you appreciated how hard you make it for me.
i wish you let yourself give a single shit about me.

i'm nothing

it sucks how badly i need you and how you don't miss me at all

Why am I surprised

You're best friend just told me that you said you don't feel bad anymore because I forgave you 

Why do I keep falling for it?!?! 

i just want to hold you

and tell you it will all be ok

this is exactly how i feel.... underneath it all- no doubt

There's times where I want something more
Someone more like me
There's times when this dress rehearsal
Seems incomplete
But, you see the colors in me like no one else
And behind your dark glasses you're... 
You're something else

You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
You're really lovely 

You know some real bad tricks
And you need some discipline
But, lately you've been trying real hard
And giving me your best
And, you give me the most gorgeous sleep
That I've ever had
And when it's really bad
I guess it's not that bad 

So many moons that we have seen
Stumbling back next to me
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
Better... better... 

You've used up all your coupons
And all you've got left is me
And somehow I'm full of forgiveness
I guess it's meant to be

You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lovely
Underneath it all
And you're really lovely

Come backkkkk

Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :( 
It's what I want it truly is 
I forgive you so much it hurts 
I will never bring it up again 
I'm getting help for my problems I promise 
It's water under the bridge 
It's the past and it doesn't matter 
All that matters is that I love you 


i haven't eaten since 3pm on monday.
i've had a little bit of juice when i've gone low yesterday and this morning
and a few beers on my date on wednesday
but i guess thats just liquid. and not even water.
i guess it's just comforting to have something that i can control,
that i can do "right".
i'm not even hungry, which is weird.
like, i'll feel hungry for a minute or two but then it goes away.
i don't feel dizzy or light headed,
although my chest muscles really hurt... i think that's just from being so tense though.
i feel empowered, like i can actually do something and not fuck up for a bit.
i wonder how long i can last?
i'm confident i can do today, and most likely tomorrow too.
i really just have no desire to eat anything whatsoever.
i've been looking at food blogs and reddit posts constantly to test myself,
to see if i crave anything.... and i don't, which is pretty cool.

i know this isn't normal or healthy but for now it feels right.


why would i judge and hate you for hurting me?
how many people have i hurt in my life?
i have been selfish in every relationship, with every person i've ever met
how could i resent you?
you hurt me, but only because i hurt you first
we were both stupid
but i love you even when you're stupid
why can't this just be something that forces us to face each other
instead of something that forces us to leave each other?
i wish you loved me enough for us to move past it

i forgive you

i forgive you and i understand and i miss you
there isn't anything i wouldn't give to have you show up at my door
for you to tell me we can work through this
for you to say that you love me and we can do it if we try
we were honest for the first time yesterday
we can try again and communicate
maybe this was just a test
i promise i would still trust you
i would forget about it if you asked me to
please just come back
i miss you

Thursday, February 20, 2014

"Bye liv"

How will I ever stop hurting?

the little things....

can we all just have a laugh at how many posts i've made in the last few days? looks like you get to see my entire internal monologue

better in the long run- miranda lambert

I’m just too selfish I guess
I know you’re tired and restless
It’s no surprise we’ve come undone
But I can’t unlove you just because
You say it’s better in the long run

I've screamed and cried and thrown things

And none of it erased what you did 

Torn apart again

I'm kicked out
You're done with me 
Tired of my shit 
I'm literally satan 
You said as you spit 
I'm vain and I'm stupid 
I'm just a cheap whore 
Don't ever dare to come back through this door 

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

you're not special

i'm going to forget about you so fast but there's an entire class of animals that will remind you of me every single time for the rest of your life

EDIT: Right after I posted this, I smelled him on my pillow. Looks like I'm going to cry a bit more.

red flags

stop fucking telling me how you all saw them
stop fucking telling me how i shouldn't have trusted him
i already feel stupid enough without you rubbing it in

"you love and you learn"

all i learned was to never love.

don't worry

i'll tell you i feel better and won't bring you down again
it was my fault for thinking you'd want to know

mean- taylor swift

You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again
Got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard
Calling me out when I'm wounded
You picking on the weaker man

You can take me down with just one single blow
But you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides
And your wildfire lies and your humiliation
You have pointed out my flaws again
As if I don't already see them
I walk with my head down
Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I bet you got pushed around
Somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now
'Cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

i miss you

i just wish i could talk to you or light you on fire either one

all that i have left

facebook messages that i can never respond to because you blocked me. why did you block me. you aren't allowed to hate me. you were supposed to grovel. not just leave.

pickup lines on tinder...... i remember the morning we sent those. i was sitting in the very first row of the center left column in the richards building in invert bio. i remember how great of a mood i was in just talking to you.

that's all i have. old words. old smiles. old promises. old hopes and laughs and blushing. all old lies.



why didn't you love me

goodbye trust

and just like that, another reason
'i love you's are all lies
you'd say those words with fingers crossed
and gaze into my eyes

and there you go, you broke me heart
and laughed at my despair
you've given me another reason
to never, ever, care

you took her home and held her hand
did you kiss her forehead too?
did you cuddle in my safest place
where everything you said was true?
did her hair fall across that same pillow
where i didn't feel alone?

did your fingers interlock and rest
where i once let someone in?
did you kiss her in the very spot
i believed that you were listening?

did you ever think,
just for a moment
of my smile and my skin
when you took her home and into bed
and ruined everything?

did anything i ever said
mean anything to you at all?

did i mean anything to you at all?

Monday, February 17, 2014

it's getting more and more real

you do what you want 'cause i'm not what you wanted

i know it's going to happen

i can feel it coming
i know we're going to end
the thought of it makes me sick
i don't know how i'll do it.

i know i have to
i know i have to push you until you're honest with yourself
i know i could leave it and things could go back to normal
but you need to be honest.

i know deep down exactly what that means for me
and i can't breathe.

i wish you'd say,

i will try to fix you

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Thursday, February 13, 2014


I wish I thought I could expect more 
I wish I thought that I deserve more 
I wish he'd care 
I wish he'd see what's in front of him 
I wish I was appreciated 
I wish I did things that would make people appreciate me 
I wish he saw me differently 
I wish I knew how to ask. 


It sucks and I wish I mattered.

And I wish i thought I mattered too.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014


to be a better listener
to let others speak without interjecting
to love more openly
to be a better friend
to compliment people more
to harden myself to accidental insults
to rely on myself more
to talk less about myself and my feelings
to make them laugh more
to not be a downer
to not compare
to be more positive
to act like a girlfriend even if it feels weird
to not let my feelings get hurt by stupid things

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

I want to be alone

I seriously don't think he loves me
I think he thought he did
But then life happened and he realized that he doesn't
And now he's trapped because I said it and he agreed
I feel so foolish for believing for one single second that he ever could
I'm so stupid
I hate myself for my illness
I hate those doctors
Hate them
I wish they would just disappear and leave me be
I don't ever want to see them again
They think I'm stupid
I want to leave so badly
Leave everyone here
I'm only happy when I'm alone
People make me sad
People make me feel fat
And guilty
And ugly
And selfish
And aggressive
I'm not aggressive when I'm alone
I don't hate my body when I'm alone
I don't constantly compare how fat I am to others when I'm alone
I don't get let down when I'm alone
I don't fall in love and scare them away when I'm alone
It's just me and trees and water and I understand what's happening and I fit it
I fit in when I'm alone
I blend in to the trees
I'm not emotional and fat and sad when I'm alone in the trees
I miss not feeling sad
I miss not crying
I miss not being a burden to people
Poor boy, I tricked him into thinking I was stable
It was an accident
And now he feels smothered and he'll leave
I have no doubt about it
How could you love someone so sensitive? I couldn't
I couldn't fall in love with me if I was someone else
All my jokes are annoying and not funny in the slightest
I repeat things and it irritates people
I can't even look people in the eyes anymore
I hate knowing they can see me
I just want to be alone
I'm so close to jumping in my truck and driving somewhere so far away
I don't know why I'm getting this stupid degree so that I can feel stupid at work for the rest of my life
I don't know why I do anything that I do anymore
It's all pointless and I'm a burden
I need to leave people alone
Stop telling them if I'm sad
No one cares and no one wants to know
WHY do I keep telling them? Why do I keep feeling the need to share my infinitely small problems with the world?
No one fucking cares!!!
I don't even care anymore
I want to be numb
I'm going to be numb
Numb and fake
Fake smiling, fake happy
Pretend he loves me, pretend they love me
Pretend pretend pretend until I can be alone
Just biding my time until I can leave them be
I'll be alone and out of their way
They won't miss me and I'll learn to live without them
I'll be happy all alone
With no one there to let me down.

He loves me not

I seriously don't think he does 

I'm not ok today.

I thought I was....
Everything was going so well. I actually slept last night. I woke up happy and refreshed for the first time in forever. I had a healthy breakfast and headed to the library, ready to tackle the day. And then I sat down and got that call and remembered that I'm not allowed to be happy.

No one will ever leave me alone long enough to just be happy.

Leave me alone, please.

I'm begging you.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Pull back

I'm serious this time


everyone can just suck my dick

i'm so tired of having my feelings hurt

i knew it was just me he wouldn't come for and i was right

i'm so sick of my feelings not mattering because i'm forgiving

i don't want to be taken advantage of anymore

i need to leave everyone behind me

and start again on my own

i need to be alone.