Monday, November 29, 2010

not you boo

and i saw his name
and i wished it was yours
when i see his face
oh i wish that its yours

oh when you see her
you get lost in her smile
why not mine?
why not mine?

thinking about you
i know you aren't flawless
oh i know you're not my perfect match
but somehow, you're my other half

i see him smile
and i wish i see you
and ill pretend all the while
im not looking for you

good night moon

she cries
at night
outside
in the moonlight
when she cant sleep
she cant take it anymore

when her heart breaks
and she cant fake
another smile
'cause she feels like she'll die
inside
she cries to herself at night

Sunday, November 28, 2010

kate voegele: only fooling myself

one day i'll turn around
i'll see your hand reach out
.. im only fooling myself

Saturday, November 27, 2010

DUMBO

if you have to put yourself into a certain mind set,
you're just trying to convince yourself of something you already know isn't true.

EXAMPLE:
i need to be in the mindset he feels the same!
BUT IN REALITY, YOU ALREADY KNOW HE DOESN'T.
A MINDSET IS A MIND CUSHION, IT ATTEMPTS TO LESSEN THE HURT.

BUT IT DOESN'T WORK.
SO INSTEAD OF PUTTING OURSELVES IN MINDSETS, LETS STICK TO HOW OUR MIND IS ALREADY SET.

FUCK

WHAT THE FUCK.
WHY CAN'T I STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU, YOU FUCKING ASS.
IT'S FUCKING STUPID THAT FROM 4PM YESTERDAY TIL 11AM THIS MORNING, WHEN I DIDNT HAVE MY PHONE, I WAS FREAKING OUT BECAUSE YOU MIGHT HAVE TEXTED ME IN THAT TIME. IT'S FUCKING DUMB THAT AT 11AM WHEN MY PHONE DIED, I STARTED FREAKING OUT BECAUSE I DIDN'T LISTEN TO THE VOICEMAIL. IT'S FUCKING DUMB THAT WHEN I GOT HOME AND CHARGED MY PHONE, I NOTICED THAT THE VOICEMAIL WAS LEFT AT 2:01 AM, AND I FREAKED OUT BECAUSE I THOUGHT MAYBE IT WAS YOU. AND I PANICKED FOR AN HOUR UNTIL I COULD GET MONEY ON MY PHONE TO CALL MY VOICEMAIL. AND IT WASN'T YOU. I DON'T KNOW WHO IT WAS. BUT THAT ISN'T THE POINT. THE POINT IS I HATE YOU (NO I DON'T FUCK YOU) AND YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.

I HAVE SPENT THE LAST 3 YEARS HOPING AND WISHING THAT YOU CARED.
BUT YOU EVIDENTLY DON'T.
AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO REMEDY ALL THOSE DUMB THOUGHTS I HAVE, THOSE LITTLE VOICES THAT TELL ME TODAY WILL BE THE DAY YOU REALIZE HOW YOU FEEL, THE DAY YOU GROW SOME BALLS AND TELL ME YOU THINK ABOUT ME TOO.

BUT IT WON'T EVER HAPPEN, BECAUSE REAL LIFE ISN'T LIKE SOME STUPID FUCKING BULLSHIT TAYLOR SWIFT SONG. FUCK YOU TAYLOR SWIFT. FUCK YOU SHANE.

AND I'LL JUST SIT IN MY ROOM BY MYSELF, GLANCING AT MY STUPID CELL PHONE EVERY 3 MINUTES, HOPING I JUST DIDN'T NOTICE IT VIBRATING, AND THAT YOU SAID HELLO.

BUT NO ONE SAYS HELLO AND YOU DON'T SAY HELLO AND I HATE YOU FOR NOT CARING THAT I HATE YOU.

IT'S FUCKED THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ANY OF THIS. HOW CAN I FEEL THIS MUCH, AND YET YOU ARE COMPLETELY CLUELESS?!

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

new voicemail

i thought that it would be the night
the night you said everything i needed to hear

i thought that was the message
2:01 am, your voice on the line

but you didnt and it wasnt and my hearts still broken

Thursday, November 25, 2010

crazy glue

im resigned
to the fact that my mind
cant let you leave my life
and im resigned
to the fact that my face
has no place
in your eyes

so ill wait for you
hopelessly hopeful
ill wait for you
ill wait

you know
that no matter where you go
ill stay, ill stay

and you could leave for forever
and come back on any day
chances are, ill still be here waiting

chances are, ill still be here

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

moved on..............to you again

i still, think about you from time to time
and i still, see your eyes in the back of my mind
but i know, that your gone now
yeah i know, and ive moved on now

but sometimes at night
when its dark and im cold
i think of you
i think of you

and i remember your smile
and the way that i felt
and i remember your silence
and the way that i broke down

yeah, ive moved on now
but sometimes........

Urban Dictionary: Pedosmile

1. Pedosmile
Phenomenon where, when photographed, a pedophile will always have a creepy, lopsided grin which screams "I molest children". Such pictures are in sharp contrast to those of normal people, who generally have a deer-caught-in-the-headlights expression, and conventional felons such as murderers, who always frown. Typical features of a a pedosmile include tight, discolored lips, visible tounge, concealed teeth, a cocked head, twisted facial features, a bald forehead, disheveled hair, and a general aura of faggotry. Used in conjunction with other indicators, the pedosmile is an excellent method of early pedophile identification.

I was going to help that man find his puppy in exchange for candy, but then I saw that he had a pedosmile.


2. Pedosmile
The tell-tale sign of a pedophile. A facial expression that is a fairly accurate dictation of whether or not, person in question rapes children or not. This expression is commonly a cross between a grin and a smirk. Pedosmile is a play on words, combining pedophile and smile.
Priest-with-pedosmile: Come little boys, I have cookies.. Don't you like cookies?


Boy 1: Yeah, they're great!
Boy 2: Psst, dude, don't fall for it.. He's got a pedosmile
Boy 1: Wow, good thing you can spot those guys out.. That cardinal almost had his way with me..
Boy 2: Damn right it's a good thing that I can spot 'em out..


life is a party, i really wish you were the battered and broken pinata

i had no expectations
so i expected you to surpass them
and now you can find me
just as dejected and heartbroken as all the other times

i heard jail is real nice

im wearing my high heels
and shes wearing her mums
shes a little girl beside me

i think that makes you a child molester

im wearing my red dress
and jewellery and soft curls
looking at you
looking at that girl

and i thought i looked beautiful
and i thought you would see me
and i thought that this would be
the beginning of everything

and i walked in the room
and i saw you and smiled
then i saw that little girl,
you sick fuck creepy bastard pedophile.

fuck you.

hey asshole,

FUCK YOU

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

lame is the name of the game

hey boo bears,

there once was this very nice train.
it was a good train, but it had a problem:
it was not a very dependable train.
you could never be sure if it would take you to your destination
it was a very wobbly train, never moving at a steady pace.
it constantly took the wrong tracks and would wind up in the middle of no where.
but the nice train's unpredictability added to its appeal,
you were never bored riding this train.
i had rode it a few times, each time as unpredictable as the last
i didnt really like how unstable it was, it felt too dangerous for my humble tastes
so i started taking different trains
and those trains were fine and good....but i still thought of those few crazy rides on that very nice train
but no, i would say, you dont need a crazy train! be smart, stay safe, stop drop and roll, go on the good trains!
so i did
until
i bought a ticket
and stepped right back onto the lame shane train.
but this time i knew as i waited in like at the kiosk,
as i asked the lady for a one-way ticket,
as i stood beside the track,
as i quietly sat beside the window,
that i was eventually going to get off
just as dejected and heartbroken as all the other times.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

lame name game

i called it
i said what would happen next
and you said no
no, not this time
this time is different
but i was right
this time was not different
it is never different
but i had it figured out
i saw the bullet before we touched the trigger
ouch
still hurts like hell
i had no expectations
so i was expecting you to surpass them
surprise me, impress me
but its the same
your the same
lame.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

girls night out

hey kittens,

today, mother and i went to the mall and bought my christmas formal dress and shoes.

i am in luuuuurve.

my beautiful dress is from aritzia. its wine coloured with a sweetheart neck, and a full lace back and lace over the neckline. its got a pleated skirt and its just so darn pretty.

my heels are gold and sparkly and make me feel like a princess.

i love dressing up.

love your lovie,

insulin chick

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Sunday, November 14, 2010

lets get physical

hey baby boomers,

i am completly aware that my mind is currently doing everything it can to avert my attention from my week overdue physics project

and im ok with that.

a man with no plan

hey you.

ya, you.

i see what you're doing.

or rather, what you aren't doing.

i see that you're all confused.

and i get that.

i understand.

but come on.

this is getting a bit ridiculous.

a little bit played out, don't you think?

you need to figure your shit out.

what do you feel?

because i sure as hell don't know.

and neither does she.

so figure it out.

and then let me know.

but take your time.

chances are, i'll still be here.

love
secret crush # 485

Friday, November 12, 2010

10

hey cougars,

10.
its looking at me.
mocking me.
"you're blood sugar is almost where it should be, but it isnt. too bad so sad."
and i know that 10, that 10 that is almost a 6, is doing just as much damage as a 20.
lame.
lame.
lame lame lame.
i dont like be taunted by a pixelated screen
its demeaning.

cheers to 6.2
insulin chick

not perfect enough

her eyes;
forest green that invited you in

her mouth;
subtle smiles, so endearing

her hair;
fell down in golden waves


her perfection was contagious
her heart was proud and brave
but something wasnt right with her




she was the one they didnt save

lovely secret

i see you
i walk fast
past you
now

and ill keep quiet
now
and tomorrow
and on

Thursday, November 11, 2010

i may have won the battle, but i sure wont win the war

hey bluejays,

recently, ive been really depressed about my legless, sightless, kidneyless fate. perhaps its hormones.

i tested a few minutes ago, i was 5.7. huzzah! i woke up a tad high this morning at 10.3, but ive come down. yippee-yi-yay!

and then i though ....well does this even matter? itll go back up eventually and ill be just as screwed.

someone please send me a picture of a kitten or something.

adios amigos

insulin chick

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

sans sucre

hey dolphins,

i feel low.
but i am not.
but my body will not let itself sleep, because it feels low.
dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.

and the stresses i am currently shouldering are making me run a tad high. i think i might play with a temporary basal.. 10%? 15%? i dont know. i dont want to run a tad low either. running a tad low always results in running into problems with this little lady. im too prone to seizures. id like to think that ill lay back down and the problems will fade behind a curtain of tranquility, and the suga mama will coast down to a beautiful 6.2. but we all know that would be too easy.

im stressed and it screws my levels, then my screwed levels make me stressed, and become even more screwed.

its a vicious cycle which will only end when i die. hurray.

diabetes is annoying. i feel like my brain never gets a second to rest, im always calculating and back tracking and berating myself for messing up.

and i feel low.

and mad and sad and ugly and angry.

living the teenage dream.

i hope we all wake up in our beds and pajaymas not a hospital room and gown,

insulin chick

smack that

dear man toy,

you have had too many girls
and therefore
i was lying 3 posts ago
screw you

love
the girl who got away

she will be loved

and when i saw you
you kept walking
and i thought
you just didnt me see me

but you did
and you kept walking
yes you saw me
look what you did

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

guy on treadmill

friendship is a constant anxious concern for the other


dont you ever forget it

even jesus lied sometimes...probably

my last post was a lie
read into it
im trying to be honest with you munchkins
.... and i hate it

but i love you
and i love me
so the key
is honesty

hurray for improv poems

kisses and hugs
insulin chick

oh *insert name*

dear readers,
do not read too far into this.
it just sounds really good with the tune... if i had a mic id record it for you, so that you could understand, but i do not, so take my word for it.

dont get any ideas!

insulin chick xoxo

..........


oh
shane
look what you do to me
everytime i hear your name
oh shane

im tired
of pretending
i just want to be friends
im tired
of pretending
i wanted it to end

oh shane
shane shane
everytime
i hear your name

and i was only bluffing
when i turned and took the road
footfalls on the pavement
i couldnt look back
'cause youd know
oh oh
oh oh
shane

Monday, November 8, 2010

live every day as if it was your past

im regretting
forgetting
about you
now

if only hearts had built in time machines

its not that i still want you
its not that i still need you
but baby id be lying
if i said i didnt see you
maybe i was lying
when i said i didnt miss you

because i do

bliss

i love those few blissful moments between taking out one tube and putting in the other while changing my pump site... the few moments when i have nothing attached to me at all.

right now, i have nothing attached to me. there are cookies in the oven and dough rising on the counter.

bliss.

im a princess and you are dirt

greetings friends,

i was in class this morning, we were learning about whats seen as ethical within the church.

so my teachers yip yapping away about divorce and marriage and im not paying attention.

she then uses me as an example. "if conner and insulin chick get married and when conner is 90, he dies, insulin chick, an 87 year old woman, will be a widow, and the church would allow her to remarry."

oh. awkward.

i wont live to be 87.

with the duke of edinborough, ill aquire some lovely complications and hopefully make it to my 70s, though earlier is more likely. becoming an 87 year old widow just cant happen for this little schnauzer.

just what i wanted to think about on a monday morning, my impending death and the goodie bag of poop ill get before it.

thanks miss.

ill write you horsies into my will,

insulin chick

whats in a name?

why, the letters which form it of course.

hello carpet upholstery cleaners,

i always feel uncomfortable saying the world "diabetes".
its such a weird, sad, awkward, medical kind of word.
so i came up with a list of substitutes.
now when i post, instead of saying diabetes (dun dun duuun..), i will use:

d-machine
the duke of edinborough
the destroyer
diablo, king of the underworld
dearest
daisy
dalai lama
daniel
danielle
dearest ms austen
mr darcy
edward scissorhands
the d-devil
satan incarnate

bookmark this page and refer to it often

with many giggles, squeezes, and passionate hugs,
insulin chick

Sunday, November 7, 2010

all hail the king


you wear it like a gold star

like a medal on your neck

you pin it to your lapel

to make sure i dont forget



to make sure i dont forget

about your

shining ignorance



you strut around like a peacock

your empty head held high

snap judgements and bad advice

concerning other peoples lives



and dont you feel so proud?

grab your sceptre and your crown

because today you are the

king of idiots



armed with your dr. house education

you search for instant gratification

you have a gift of trivializing

the art of staying alive



but who am i

to question

all the lies

of the king of idiots

doctor coffee

"Hi. I'd like a medium cafe mocha and a sour cream glazed donut. Also, I would love if you could dispense some medical advice and blatantly judge me please."

Hey.

Kittens.

Today, I am angry.

And offended.

You can tell because I'm using capital letters and proper punctuation.

Gather round, it's story time.

I was on break at work, so I went on over to Tim Hortons. I was standing in like when my glucose tester's alarm went off. Oops, it's out of batteries. So I went and bought batteries, filled 'er up, and went back to the Timmies line. I got to the cash and the man said, "You were in line before, weren't you? You just disappeared and now you're here again haha." So I replied, "Ya... I had to get batteries..." And he felt the need to inquire. "Batteries?" "Ya, for my insulin pump...." I was about to order when, "Oh you're diabetic? You shouldn't have a donut, you'll have to do a lot of insulin."  He did NOT just say that. "I know how much I need to do."  He turns around and prepares my mocha, and I take out my tester and quickly check my level. 6.7, hurray. Coffee Man hands me my mocha and says, "What's the verdict?" Refering to my blood sugar. I look at him, I look at the lady paying close attention behind me, I look back at him with a gaze that could make Voldemort envious..."Still diabetic."


As I stormed over to an empty table, as far from all human contact as possible, I literally wanted to punch a wall or cry my eyes out. I sat there for 30 minutes and thought of all the things I should have retorted with.

After I finished my lunch I went to the washroom, and I'll be honest and admit a tear or two found their way down my cheek.

How can someone who has known I'm diabetic for 8 seconds truly believe they know better than someone who has had it for 8 years? It boggles my mind. It boggles my mind how proudly people display their own ignorance, like a gold star.

It sickens me.

Kiss and a Squeeze,
insulin chick

Saturday, November 6, 2010

baking beauty

hello streusel berry pies,

i am a baker.
an avid baker.
i have not said it before, but im saying it now.
and tonight, i am baking 2 loves of ciabatta bread.
and so far, the dough is beautiful.
and seeing that beautiful dough makes me just so darn happy.
and i just cant stop smiling.

i hope that you all find your own perfect doughs,

insulin chick

it tastes as good as it looks!

 

shush

hey bluejays,

last night i barely slept.
i was thinking.
thinking about how much ignorance irritates me.
not ignorance about everything, im more than uneducated on a variety of subjects.
diabetes ignorance.
it just makes me angry.
what makes me mad is the blatant superiority some people display after i tell them.
and im not even exaggerating this, people look down on me.
because they do not think. they do not think to themselves "...hmmm, perhaps this is not the same disease my obese grandfather had, maybe i should ask her or keep my mouth shut insead of minimalizing something i know absolutley nothing about."
but people dont think that way.
so they tell me not to eat what im eating for lunch.
and i want to punch them.
and they tell me that it must be annoying that i have it.
and i want to punch them.
and they tell me that i should get a pancreas transplant.
and i want to punch them.

i seriously, seriously, seriously think us type 1 diabetics need to band together and form an educational campaign. it is ridiculous that the majority of our collegues, classmates, friends, and even family members, think that were living with a pain in the ass, not a pain ALL OVER. i think it is time we said that we will no longer take being demonized, have people judge us, think we caused this.

everytime a non-diabetic tries to tell me anything about diabetes,
i want to punch a kitten. and then them.

someone stop this craziness

im nostalgic
soppy and starry eyed
and ill dream of
that illusory world
outside

boy crazy love lazy

who said, who said
you could come over here and
ruin everything that i had with no one
too bad i ever laid eyes on you

viva mehico

an acting class monologue.

............

Something I haven’t told you is about my trip to Mexico this March break. We get to the hotel, drop our bags in the room, and run down to look at the pool. We hadn’t been at the hotel for an hour yet when I decide to go back up to the room to put my bikini on. I walk into the room, and something happens. All of a sudden my blood sugar feels low, so i walk to my mom’s purse and eat a granola bar. Still low. I eat another. Still low, I can feel that I’m very low, so I walk towards the mini bar. I remember thinking “It’s $5 but mom won’t care, I’m low.”

And then nothing. Blackness.

I wake up to my moms voice. She was screaming, I didn’t understand what she was saying.

“SOMEBODY HELP ME, HELP, PLEASE, SHES BLEEDING, HELP! LIV, LIV ARE YOU OK, PLEASE HELP SOMETHINGS WRONG SHES COVERED IN BLOOD, LIV CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

“what mom, no I’m fine, stop yelling, whats going on?”

BLACKNESS.

“Liv, Liv your having a seizure. Look at me, drink this.”

Who is this blond lady holding my other arm? Why are there people in the door? “No, mom, I’m fine. Whats going on? Mom I’m ok.”

BLACKNESS.

“Liv, I’m giving you glucagon now.” I watch her stab my thigh with that huge emergency needle. I don’t feel it though. “Sweetie, don’t move, listen to your mom.” Who is this blond lady?

“Liv, your bleeding, what happened?” “What no mom I’m not.....

.......what’s happening to me?”

BLACKNESS.

I had a seizure. A bad one. I was unconscious when my mom found me. I had fallen into the wall and cut up my face, there was blood everywhere, dripping down my head, coating my clothes. It happened so fast, I kept going unconscious.

I’ve never been so terrified in my life.

When I finally came to, around 8 at night, 9 hours after the seizure, I said to my mom, “... I wish I could see the ocean.” “liv, you have seen it, you were in it.””... did I like it?” I still dont remember anything about the hour before the seizure.. I remember going low in the room, but nothing before. I remember my moms voice, her eyes. In my semi conscious haze, I remember seeing her crying, yelling down the sunny hallway with all the palm trees. I was so scared. Im still so scared.

pain

there's only so much you can pretend not to feel

Friday, November 5, 2010

shawty get low low low low

my fellow diabetics,

do you ever feel low, even when you arent?
my blood sugar is currently at 7.2, perfect to go to bed.
but i feel like im low.
ive tested 3 times in the past hour, hoping to catch a ninja low.
but alas, i am perfect....

in more ways than one

MY ROOM IS COLD

hey squidwards.

single life is making me blue. boo hoo.


ARCTIC COMFORT by insulin chick

I feel so cold
where am i, where am i?
do you know?
what the hell im waiting around here for?
im stuck here but ive got to go home

wheres my sign, my smile, my boy with a poem?
my patience is fading beside my resolve
simply enduring
standing still while winds blow on past
but i see you oh , i see your soul, your more than just colours and sounds

Arctic comfort is all ive known, frostbitten hugs and bitter hellos
icy fingers finding their way under my skin
defenceless and passive, im inviting them in
but im inviting you in

my fingers are cold now and my toes are turning blue
theres no warmth left in my body
but i see some in you

ive got no pigment left to blush with
no voice to laugh or cry
there isn’t any life left in me
that i could lose to die

Arctic comfort is all ive known, frostbitten hugs and bitter hellos
frozen in freefall, forever going down
no chance of escaping the cold earth spinning round

im so cold
dont leave me alone
im so cold
dont leave me alone

OOPS

we were never much, no jane austen love
but im lying when i say that i dont miss your touch
oh, im lying, im lying, i lied when i said goodbye
im lying, im lying, i lied when i said goodbye

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Feeling Musical

Hey lovebirds,

the lyrics to a new song


IT ALWAYS ENDS by insulin chick


i cannot handle
how it starts then always ends
ends in silence, never friends
it always ends

id break and i would bend
you’d lie and you’d pretend
and it would end
and ill stay lonely every night

i give too much of my heart away
and i expect you to do the same
every time i think that you wont leave
and every time it surprises me

i love just a little too much
and then it cuts just a little too deep
and im a fool with a thousand scars
from when you steal a piece of me

theres a million stars in the sky
and a billion people on earth
theres a trillion sparks in my mind
and not a soul who sees their worth

im not a swimmer
and im sinking rather deep
and the water wont stop flowing
from those rivers on my cheek

my legs are connected
to my heart and not my brain
they keep running in the wrong direction
as my eyes search for your name

oh oh but itll end
end in silence never friends
it always ends
it always ends

please please dont pretend to love me
but please please pretend to care
when i finally reach rock bottom
and realize you wont be there
cause you wont be there
and itll end.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Gazelle

Being the graceful gazelle that I am, I wiped out in drama class and cut my bottom, through my pants. Greeeat.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Sick and Low

Sup pumpkins.

I received a gift from someone.

But not a fun gift. Or a useful gift.

I got...wait for it...

........................the gift of the flu.

Woohoo?

So now I'm stuck home in bed, with blood sugar that keeps going low no matter the copius amounts of grape juice I consume. Not a good time.

I hope you all feel better than I do,

Your Little Squidypoo