boy.

let's see where this goes.

empty

it's happening more frequently
and getting easier every time
i love the rush that comes with each excuse
the feeling that i just cheated the system
the satisfying emptiness

everything

i want you to think of me when you hear that song

no benefits.

i don't know how to differentiate love and sex.
i don't know if sex means anything.
i use it as a tool; as a wall.
i mask my feelings with my sexuality.
they can't hurt me if they don't know me.

paying off.

but i actually like my body today.
i was trying on bikinis for cuba and was absolutely shocked that i wasn't ashamed of what i saw.

i've lost weight. i know i have.
my mom knows i have.
it's comforting that she knows whats going on and is accepting it.
makes me feel stronger.

last one

there's something about the way your eyes
steal my breath when they meet mine
envelope my entire mind in blue.
the way you speak seems so sincere,
say everything i need to hear
making me believe it might be true..

but what if you're like the last one?
what if i'm right and you're all the same?
yeah what if you pull a fast one?
and winning my heart is just a game?

when you touch me it ain't fair
break down my walls right then and there
ease the tension building in my brain.
you stroke my hair and grab my waist
pull me in and kiss my face
for a reason i don't understand at all

and when you interlock my hands with yours
to keep them warm when they get cold
i'm looking for a lie hidden in your smile...

thinking, "what if he's like the last one?
what if this is an act he's played before?
what if he doesn't mean it?
if he only wants me 'cause he's bored?

i bet you he could do better,
bet you he's waiting for the next best thing
bet you i'm just a stand in
til someone who's beautiful wants him"

oh darlin' don't be like the last one
darlin' im begging, prove me wrong

desperation

i feel desperate
desperate for him to like me
desperate to lock him down
desperate for a relationship far more serious than what we are right now
it's pathetic
all i want is to say that he's my BOYFRIEND.
BOYFRIEND.
i want to say that word
i want that to be something i have
i want someone to be there
someone to stick around
someone to hold me and listen to my secrets
i don't want that someone to leave me

trust

i met someone i like
nothing has even started yet and i'm already waiting for him to hurt me
waiting for him to leave me
i'm panicking
i can't stop crying because i know that i'm not going to be good enough in the end
in the end, he'll find someone better
just like the others
i don't trust his smiles
i don't trust his touch
i don't trust his words
the only thing i can count on is the inevitable heartbreak to come