Saturday, February 26, 2011


i know who i am and i know where i'm going
i know what i've done and i know what i intend to do
i know that no matter what, i will always be here for myself
and i am the one person that i'll always have on my side
i am the person you should fear, because i am the person you cannot beat
nothing you say could ever change how i feel about myself

Urban Dictionary: Crazy Hoe

1. Crazy Hoe

When girls like to act crazy and start shit.
Or like to be crazy and do dumb shit that they think is tough, but really, it's just hilarious.

That crazy hoe just walked infront of my car as I was driving it, what the hell.

That crazy hoe won't let me date her ex.


You are a mean, immature, fucktard bitch, and i hate you.

Monday, February 21, 2011

terrorist attack in my body


a day long battle won

a life long war that i am destined to lose

high as a kite

nothing better than a day long, unbeatable high sugar. woooooo.

seriously though. this shit has got to stop. i have tried everything. it won't go away.
i am close to tears, but i have to contain myself; they will only make me higher.

i haven't told anyone in my family that i have been terrible today.
they would accuse me of doing something wrong.
but i haven't.
i've over injected, changed sites, drank copious amounts of water.
yet it lingers...

this shit is frusterating.
i want to cry.
maybe i will.
it's not like it will matter in the long run.
like my eye doctor reminded me: good control doesn't stop complications, it just gives you a bit more time.
but what is time anyhow? will 2, 5, 10 years matter? i will die regardless.

mother fucking fucking fuck shit balls fuck fuck fuck fuck shit shit fuck

this is stupid. this is not right. i do not like this.

i did not ask for this.

please, somebody help me.

stay away

i won't take another step in fear of heartbreak and fiery hatred

hiding behind a wall of hurt

everything you say to me
makes me love you even more
then it's replaced with unbreakable skepticism
when i remember all the times before

searching for dark undertones
in every smile sent my way
what used to make me beam
is now just brushed away

i've built a wall
around myself
of suspicion and uncertainty
i won't be fooled into thinking
that you want to know me

i know it's a game for you
i'm not a person, just a girl
but you've become too confident
if you think i can be fooled 

i have no hope in your revelation
that i'm the only one you need
all i can do is try to control myself
because we will always stay a dream

i refuse to be a number
or a story for your friends
you just want me because i'm wary
i can see straight through each word you send

but i still want you
so badly, everyday.
but i can't deal with you again
so i must stay far away.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

the duffster

i'm sorry, please don't hate me

hilary duff xoxox

p.s. i love you so much

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

i wish magic was real.

i'm rereading Eragon, and holy shit i wish i had a dragon so much. (by have i do not mean own, a real dragon would not abide having an owner.. what i mean is a partership and a mental link in which we share all our thoughts and speak with our minds and love each other and are best friends and he/she lends me some of his/her strength so that i can complete complex magic) (also, i would be an elf... not a pixie/gnome, a real, elegant, noble, elven warrior, tall with shimmering hair and heightened senses and faster than any man and a higher capacity to do magic and able to speak the ancient language fluently from birth)

.... it is weird that this is not an occasional thought, but one i have each day and can ponder for hours?
..... yeah, it's weird
....i don't care though, i just want it

it's done in secret

i'm sitting on my bedroom floor
half naked and freezing cold
tear stained cheeks and quiet agony
i'm being eaten alive by silence

shivers wrack my body
they travel up my spine
can barely fight the nausea
when i realize you aren't mine

that sinking feeling when i say it all
and you say nothing in return
keep sinking 'til i hit the floor
held up only by the hardwood

close my eyes
try to catch my breath
but i just can't stop my heart's revolt
so close to releasing heartbreak's first sob
building in my throat

shivers wrack my body
they travel up my spine
can barely fight the nausea
when i realize you aren't mine

it's quiet here, where i sit
outside the door you'd never know
the despair that i am capable of
that's ravaging my mind

the deadly calm, deceitful peace
is suppressing all else in this room
another wave of concealed tears and softened distress
is all that's waiting for me.

i'll write a song as soon as the nausea passes

.........that sinking feeling when i realize how little i mean to you

the words that get me through the day

"all it takes it all you've got"

Graeme Fife

"Courage. We all suffer. Keep going."

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

pat on the back

"I close my eyes to stem the tide of heartbreak falling to the floor."

I really like this line. I'm glad that I wrote it. It encases all the things I'm feeling right now.








Friday, February 11, 2011

a million pieces

i gave you a chance
to hold my heart in your hands
and you let it fall
and break into a million pieces

you turned around
and i watched my crown fall
from my head held high
hit the ground and break into a million pieces

i open my mouth to call out your name
but i can't vocalize the pain that lies within those sounds
so i'll just stay here on the ground
and let you walk away

i gave you a chance
to hold my hand in your hand
i held it out for days
until it fell cold by my side

you turned around
and never saw my heart fall
down my ivory cheek
and break into a millon pieces

i close my eyes
to stem the tide of heartbreak
falling to the floor

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

ignorance is bliss

hey muffins,

it surprises me everytime.
it surprises me and confuses me that most people are not diabetic as well.
i can't imagine a life without glucose meters, needles, insulin viles, and bruises.
but everyone else....everyone else can.
maybe i'm self-centered, but i don't see how anyone can complain about anything if they are in good health.
it doesn't make sense to me.
why are you sad? you have the freedom to do anything! you can change your whole life, your whole future, your whole being.
you can wake up one day, decide to move to africa, and just do it. no preplanning: no contacting doctors to ask for a note excusing all the drugs and needles you're taking over the border. no making sure that where you go has a near-by hospital and pharmacy. no planning weeks ahead to make sure all your pump supplies get delivered on time. no worrying if your pump or insulin will even work in the climate.
you can just go.
it's funny really. i live in a free country, i'm free to worship, to speak, to own, to learn.
yet i don't feel free. not in the least.
i feel trapped, cornered.
i feel like there is no escape.
while others can be instantaneous in all events in their life, i cannot.
i cannot in fear of death.
it confuses me, being instantaneous. i don't know how to do it.
while i've done small things, like suddenly deciding with my friends to go see a movie or go to a party,
it still doesn't feel like a heart-beat decision made in the heat of the moment.
because when someone suggests something new, my first thoughts are: do i have enough strips? insulin? oh shit, i don't have a juice box... ok insulin chick, don't eat anything there. when was the last time you tested? before you get in the car make sure you aren't low, you wouldn't want to ask to pullover so you can get a juice. do you have money just incase you need to? are you sure 3 strips is enough?"
i don't just hop in and wonder if there will be cute boys there.
all these healthy people... i don't understand them.
i really, truly don't.
i don't remember what its like to just be totally relaxed.
to not be, atleast quietly, thinking about my blood sugar.
how would it feel to not have this?
what do people think about?
they must have so much spare time for thinking about other things.
and now i know that healthy people have bad things in their life too,
but it seems to me, a diabetic, that it would be so much easier facing those demons without also considering your own body.
imagine: being able to cry and not feeling guilty because i know it's going to screw up my blood sugar.
that would be awesome.
imagine: being able to think about your upcoming day, or a boy, or a friend, or anything, when you first wake up. my first thought is always about my diabetes.
imagine: the simple act of walking about the house without tubing getting caught on things.
imagine: pulling your pants down to pee without accidently ripping out the tubing.
imagine: turning over in bed without having to move your pump to the other side, making sure the tubing isn't over your arm.
imagine: not getting up in the middle of the night because you ran out of insulin or the stupid thing got ripped out.
imagine: not crying because you didn't get insulin for 6 hours.... not even having to think about insulin!
imagine: just falling asleep. not checking pump, realizing you're empty, taking 15 mins to change the setup, testing, going back downstairs to have a drink, checking for adequate juice and granola bars incase of a low in the night....just...sleeping.
imagine: not being diabetic.......

i can't imagine it.
it seems like life would be so easy. too easy.
what would you think about? what would you do?
i don't get it because i've never had it.
probably the same reason they don't get me.

i wish i could try it out though, just for a day. just a day of complete freedom. i would climb a mountain.


I'll sit here crying because you beat me again
You took my life and sent me to hell.
I'm in a game I can't win yet you refuse to finish me off
Preferring to watch my slowly perish,
My anguish sends shivers down your spine.
All I can do is hate you, for my efforts are for naught.
All I can do is wait for you to finally beat me.
My final breath is coming closer, I feel it every day,
And I'll keep struggling to play this game, that is impossible to play.

... mother fucker I hate you so fucking much why why why why why is it me? why does it have to be me? I'll carry this fucking burden as far as I can but every time I stumble I get closer to falling... I never want to feel this again, this high that will last til tomorrow.... but of course I will, you are the epitome of torture.

And the worst torture in the world is being forced to think it's all your fault.

It's all my fault, you soulless fuck.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

shut the fuck up

you speak to hear your own voice and revel in how great you are
but your super-inflated ego and condescending tone
are pushing me a bit too far
and one day soon i won't be there listening
but you won't care, you'll just keep talking


i love myself
i love that i spent nearly two hours last night singing "weep you no more sad fountains"
i love that i laugh out loud when i'm by myself
i love that i read over old essays in hopes of improving my future ones
i love that i appreciate fine salts and vanillas
i love that i can recite passages from pride and prejudice
i love that i know the locker room monologue in cinderella story off by heart
i love that i say whatever jokes come to mind, regardless of who i'm with or if they are even funny
i love that i watch nature documentaries and loudly proclaim how amazed i am by what i'm watching
i love that i'm eating peanut butter off of a spoon, but not before dropping a few chocolate chips on top
i love that i have frilly aprons and imagine myself an elegant lady when i bake chocolate chip cookies
i love that i don't wear that much makeup anymore, that i'm accepting myself as i am
i love that sense and sensibility makes me cry every time
i love that i feel guilty when i skip through the whole movie just to get at emma thompson's crying scene
i love that i'm not embarrassed to have a tree frog poster
i love that i truly wish there were dragons so that i could befriend one
i love that i've listened to almost lover by a fine frenzy seventy three times and counting
i love that i'm not embarrassed if someone sees my pump anymore
i love that i don't feel lame saying i'm staying in anymore
i love that i make pancakes from scratch and add far too many chocolate chips
i love that looking at fancy cupcake liners and sprinkles online excites me
i love that my sparkly bracelets are across the room from my bookshelf stuffed with dragons and dwarves
i love that my pretty velvet top is currently hanging over my soccer bag and sweaty shin pads
i love that i walk around in lacy undies and heels on days i want to feel better about myself
i love that i eat far too much and care about it far too little
i love that i dance around the hall in the nude when i feel like i can get away with it
i love that i sing along to the music on my ipod
i love that i read the news
i love that i secretly think i could make it as an actress or a comedian if i wanted to
i love that i get excited in biology class because i love it so much
i love that i know who david attenborough is
i love that i care enough to ask and love enough to listen
i love that i dance along to my music
i love that i watch films and always wonder how i would play the role
i love that i have a good vocabulary and i'm a great speller
i love that people come to me to help them translate shakespearean texts
i love that i think of life lessons for myself
i love that i live my life based on the lessons in the last of the really great whangdoodles
i love that i get lost in a million different worlds in the fantasy section at chapters
i love that i don't want kids or a husband despite it being outside the norm
i love that i have weird dreams that keep me reviewing my life the next day
i love that i know how to put a worm on the hook and how to cast a baitcaster
i love that trees take my breath away
i love that i dream of bigger things
i love that i'm not afraid to cry
i love that i'm not afraid to love myself
i love myself.

too little too late?

you're trying but your heart's not in it and neither is mine

so now what?

never let go

hold on tight to who you love, it doesn't take much to lose them

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Thursday, February 3, 2011


Hey cupcakes,

Today at soccer, I took my pump off to play. I normally leave it on, but I shall do that no more. That hour of running around, blood pumping, with absolutley nothing attached to me was the best thing I've ever felt. When I put my hands on my hips after a sprint, I didn't feel a hard bulge. Nothing flopped around or rubbed against me. I was free. And I loved it.

I wish it was like that all the time.

insulin chick

One must learn to appreciate when the tide pulls back before it crashes down again....

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

you aren't very pretty and you aren't very bright

"No, you listen. You turned out to be exactly who I thought you were. I never pretended to be somebody else. It's been me all along. And it was me who was hurt in front of everybody. Look, I didn't come here to yell at you, okay? I know what it feels like to be afraid to show who you are. I was. But I'm not anymore. And the thing is, I don't care what people think about me... because I believe in myself. And I know that things are gonna be okay. But even though I have no family, and no job, and no money for college... it's you that I feel sorry for. I know that guy that sent those emails is somewhere inside of you, but, I can't wait for him anymore... because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing."
- Hilary Duff in "Cinderella Story"