Wednesday, December 7, 2011

thinking

life is by definition,
a clock counting down to none
every heart beats towards the rest
every breath brings closer the final one

sitting here declining
degrading, expiring
i am not scared, not crying
for if life is meant to end
then its meaning is in dying

Monday, December 5, 2011

turn to stone

walking past a thousand chances
for a thousand smiles
and not a single word is said
not a single glance is spared
too afraid to get lost in his eyes
so i don't start the trip
and i sit here alone waiting for life to begin

denying, denying
that i'm just a girl with her heart in his hands
lost with no plans
but see me, i am

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

the sun is shining

put on some makeup and be thankful for the chance to learn

pain

that was the most painful insertion in a long time. i feel like my body is being ripped apart. it won't go away...

how do i feel today?

i need to sort out my mind right now.

i feel ugly. disgusting. embaressed to see other people.

i feel stressed. stupid. i see everyone catching on while i struggle to catch up.

i feel like comprehension is impossible; that everything before this was a stroke of luck.

i feel my mind racing before i go out, incase i see him and have to relive it all.

i'm trying to keep my mind on lockdown.

i feel like i'm more self conscious these past two weeks than i've ever been in my life.

i feel tired, worn down. i feel sad.

i feel sick of my blood sugars. i feel like i'm letting myself down every time i go high, but i can't help it.

i don't know what to do.

i feel like at this point, i'm going to get complications sooner than later.

and i am absolutley terrified.

i just want it to stop.

i feel i am being drained of everything i once was proud of.

with each dosage, i feel more and more helpless.

i feel helpless

help.

Monday, November 14, 2011

self awareness

everythings coming so fast
and everyones walking on by
and im standing at the edge of the world
take a breath,
dive

take a moment
feel alive
then drown in words
that dont mean anything
but atleast say something

passion for life
the biggest lie
its not about living
but about staying alive

light, saving light
illuminating the dark corners of my smile
but darkness hides
and i want to keep my flaws
to the confines of my mind

every word is a disguise
every thought is a wall
every breath brings me closer
to losing it all

Thursday, November 10, 2011

i just want you

i just want you to love me
tell me i'll be fine
and i need you more than ever before

please come find me
please find me

it's october
and getting colder
and i'm lonely

i just want you to know when you see my face

come find me

i'll stay here
i won't leave
not this time.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

the hardest art

to see my flaws
to approach everything with clarity and calmness
to comfortably be in the confines of my mind always
to master myself

wisdom

...to this i must aspire

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

tell me how i got here

composures getting harder
days are getting longer
my eyes aren't getting drier
baby now i need you

blink back tears for the thousandth time
paint a smile, say i'm fine
but you're still not here
baby now i need you

i could swear you're getting farther
the miles multiplied
because it didn't used to seem so far
you were closer than you are now

baby now i need you

tswift- back to december

turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

alone in the cafe

i didnt know what this feeling was
until you never asked my name
so today i'll just tell you

Monday, October 3, 2011

Sunday, October 2, 2011

ME THINGS!!!!!

1. yesterday i hugged a tree for a few minutes to try and feel a hundred years on my chest
2. i like the smell of leaves
3. i want a bunny
4. i wish i was tiffany aching from the discworld series
5. i want a dragon
5. i wish i was a witch
6. i watch myself think
7. i love my gecko
8. i throw all my clothes into my closet to make my room look clean
9. kind of like in my life
10. i just lolled
11. i like singing under my breath on walks
12. i pretend im in regency england when im by myself out doors
13. i love wildlife club!!!!!!!
14. guelph is the best place in the entire world
15. but i miss my best friends
16. i started crying yesterday thinking of seeing bianca
17. im starting to cry again because i just thought about her f
18. its ruining my mascara
19. my mouth tastes weird right now
20. tooooooooo mannnyyyyy pancakkkesssss
21. i feel loopy
22. but i love it
23. i want to research
24. i like talking to older, more knowledgeable people and learning!!!
25. i think i look different in pictures
26. i feel like dancing
27. i shake my leg when im sitting
28. so is one leg going to get way stronger than the other?
29. inheritance cycle book 4 comes out in 36 days
30. WOOHOOO!!!
31.i like that theres mud on my shoes
32. i want to watch planet earth
33. me and bianca could write for snl, i just know it
34. a girl said she liked my hedgehog sweater, weeeehooooiee!!
35. this is so fun to write!!!
36. what would i look like with red hair?? hmmm...
37. dont hate me for being fabulous!
38. lolololol
39. trees make me happy, they just keep growing
40. lions are cool
41. i wish i had a diabetic friend
42. i love special k, that sexy fox
43. my hands are colddddddddd
44. hilary duff is pissing me off
45. wheres a snuggie when you need one?
46. i drink too much coffee
47. and have a sever drug habit
48. but dont worry, they're prescription!
49. muahaha i had you going there didnt i? woohoo insulin!
50. turtles are so cool
51. and manta rays are bitchin
52. salamanders are so cute!!
53. i miss baking :(
54. and birdssssssssss
55. i like walking past the barns because for some sick reason i like the poop smell
56. it reminds me of being outdoorsy and shit
57. i hate shaving my legs, such a hassle
58. im screwed for  my midterm
59. i wanananannana take invert bio nooooow
60. i like me!!! :) xoxox insulin chick suck on dat motha fuckas

the girl who smiles at the sun

my two feet are on the ground
dig my toes into the turf
feel the world beneath me
pulling me away

second thoughts
and three times thinking
watching nothing stay the same
but i know who i am

im the girl who smiles at the sun
and wishes she knew more
a little scarred and a little scared
just stepped in and out the door

i love you but i dont need you

all i want is independance
but thats impossible for me
and im stuck with this dependance
while all i want is to be free

of the tubes, of the checks
of the noose around my neck
of the pain, of the stress
of this life i call a mess

i want to leave at five in the morning
just to show myself i can
i want to tear it off and throw it out
and make some room for someone else

but its packed inside my head
no room left beside this shit
and you're great, you're amazing
but i can't let you in

i cry about being lonely
but these tears are self-inflicted
i dont need anyone to help me
i just want to be set free

of the tubes, of the checks
of the noose around my neck
of the pain, of the stress
of this life i call a mess

i just want to be alone forever
alone inside my head
because i'm the only one who understands me
and i dont need to depenend
on anyone else, ever

hello dear heart

i saw you first across the room
your eyes broke through my heavy gloom
just one glance and something changed
your heart jumped and mine did the same

your smiles real
and so is mine
and i see something over time
that'll break my heart
and heal these scars

and we'll grow up
and we'll grow close
our pasts, our ghosts
will leave us alone

hello dear heart
its nice to meet you
im the girl you're waiting for
the girl thats going to complete you

so come and say hello
come and say your name
say that you love me
and wont go away
im the reason you live
and the reason you breathe
that you need me more
than i could ever believe
say that its me

dear heart come say hello

Friday, September 30, 2011

always

you just keep on growing
when the winds come, the ice forms
you just keep on growing

Monday, September 19, 2011

Saturday, September 17, 2011

lost in invisible eyes

i dont remember you
but i remember how i felt
i remember the rush
and your touch
i dont remember what we said
but i know id say it all again

searching for you in the crowd
though i could never find you
listening for your voice
though i dont know the tone

dying for the lost connection
with the boy i never knew
hoping for some realization
when i come face to face with you

the one i cant remember
and cant seem to forget
no memento of your existence
except my heavy hearts persistence

im too strong for you

i started to miss you
needed to see your face
started to need you
more than my mind could contain

lying down and thinking
of everything we are
got me thinking that i'm taking this
a little bit too far

because im too strong for you
im too strong for you
you're whizzing past at one hundred miles
and i slow down to catch your smile
like a lovestruck fool
no i dont need you

nothing changed between us
we followed what we said
but i can feel your body
trapped inside my head

im back to where i started
deathly afraid and so alive
but i promised i'd never get this way again
so i guess this is goodbye

because im too strong for you
and im too good for this
this thinking "maybe, someday baby
things will change and im not crazy"

but they wont
and i am
its not your fault
you just stuck to the plan

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Saturday, September 3, 2011

all night

no sleep... just low blood sugar and unsafe amounts of sweating

Friday, September 2, 2011

a new chapter

in twelve hours it's tomorrow
and then today is in the past

Thursday, September 1, 2011

the lost song

missing you
needing you
comes as natural as breathing
pleading
don't forget me

i'm floating six feet above ground
i don't have you here to hold me down

cry, cry for me
promise me you'll cry and cry for me
why, why do we
turn this croc into a kitten
and pretend we wont get bitten

and when we do
tell me that you miss me
as much as i miss you

Monday, August 29, 2011

bianca

big brown eyes look into mine
mine overflowing with tears
searching for a way
to convince you to stay
and not leave us behind
in the cool mists of time

big brown eyes started laughing
told me we're not far away
but no matter how far
if i'm not where you are
i cannot be at ease
i need you close to me

every day i will wake up
and think of your big brown eyes
shining far away as you blow them away
but before i let you leave me
promise me you'll miss me
as much as i'll miss you

Monday, July 18, 2011

Thursday, June 30, 2011

'diabetics can't drink'

i dont want your advice you aren't diabetic at all
i don't care about what you say you aren't diabetic at all

you can tell me i can't
but i already have
and i'm here, i'm alive
no promised disaster

you can read and you can write
but if you haven't lived it
how much of an expert can you possibly be?

Sunday, June 12, 2011

ballsy

i'm proud of myself for being able to look into your eyes and say no.

Monday, May 23, 2011

I Know Where You Live Pt.II- Those Dancing Days

Obsession is a curse that
No one runs away from
Even though you know that
You will hate the outcome
Making you believe there is
More to his breathing
And the look he gave while leaving
Your last caress made one big mess
And you have to make it right
Cause that's what it's about

I love everything about your life and
I won't stop until I know that you'll be mine
I will follow you at all time and all around
I have to make you mine to
Get you off my mind

Frustration is a state of mind always on time
Breathing down your neck and
Always at the front line
Brings you to conclusion of
Total mass confusion
When it's clear I want you near me
My dire wish for just one kiss
Will make me go insane
So let's try this once again

I love your life and
I won't stop until
I know that you will be mine
I'll follow you at
All time and around
I won't stop, I'll make you mine

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

sometimes i need a reminder

don't ever entrust your whole heart and happiness to another person,
you know what you love and what makes you laugh better than anyone

dandelions

it's all far too pretty to care about you now

Thursday, May 5, 2011

dumb girl stuff

its funny how
i think you dont know me
think its your first impression every time
that you're near me

you've seen me before
and you know what i look like
why's it so hard to accept
that you like what you see

start thinking about my flaws
everytime i think of you
you've only ever said i'm beautiful
but i don't feel good enough for you

why dont i feel good enough for you
when you aren't good enough for me?

but i get self conscious
and i dont feel worthy
and then i get so scared
you won't think that i'm pretty

why is being pretty to you
so important to me?

spend hours doing myself up
when you've seen me at my worst
and you've never stopped looking in my eyes
why do i always think that you will this time?

why do i get so nervous?
why do i get so shallow?
i know you like me for who i am
why can't i believe it?

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

she's a secret

wild horse is in the city
stopping traffic and looking pretty
but she wants to run home
she's all alone

smokey eyes
powdered skin
lights out she's about to begin

she's not what you think
she's not what you know

darling bluebird in the backyard
broke her wing so she can't go too far
she's stuck but her eyes are lively
and dear, her song is so lovely

infectious smiles
tasteless jokes
four hundred mirrors and wisps of smoke

she's not what you think
she's not what you know

Monday, May 2, 2011

paisley and piranhas

i'm paisley and piranhas
a tsunami in the bahamas
i am peaches and i'm cream
i'm a liar and i'm mean

la la la

my laughs infectious
my jokes are tasteless
swear like a sailor
sew insults like a tailor

la la la

i want a boy with flowers
to take me away for hours
but i need my space
so he can wait for me in outer space

la la la

pink jellyfish in your bathtub
barbed kisses on your ankles
an iceberg in a sauna
im paisley and piranhas

Sunday, May 1, 2011

antagonist

i want you
just so i can let you go
i need you
just so i can let you know
that you are nothing to me

look at me please
i want to look away
hurt me dear
i need someone to blame

define me
i want to defy you
say that you love me
because i need someone to lie to

but you have to forgive me
forgive me every time
'cause i'm everything to you
and i want you to be mine

Friday, April 22, 2011

tell me

show up at my front door
tell me you can't take this anymore
tell me that you're dying
tell me you've been crying
tell me you can't take this anymore

say "you're mine
i don't care
i am telling you this time
i won't play
i won't wait
i am taking you this time"

i'll say no
i won't go
i know who you are

you'll take my hand
like a man
say you've wanted to before
i'll protest
but i'll say yes
i've wanted it too before

show up at my front door
tell me you can't take this anymore
tell me that you're dying
tell me you've been crying
tell me you can't take this anymore

Final Quarter

I'd tell you to suck it, but you already suck.

Monday, April 18, 2011

daisy in the dark

see the lights in the sky
and heartbreak waiting on the shoreline
beating fast and breathing slow now
your eyes shine in the lunar light
it's a pretty night to say goodbye

something splashes in the waves
and interrupts your heavy thinking
and i say, don't be afraid
it was just my heart sinking

but i'm better than your whirlpool
and i won't fall apart
i will grow out of your shadow
i'm a daisy in the dark

Sunday, March 27, 2011

trillium

tuesday fills my head
it drowns out all my thoughts
it berates me
it guilts me
it weighs me down
it inevitably comes.

Monday, March 21, 2011

now we're both clear.

i have proof and you have nothing
i found pride and you found pain
i saw you for who you were and you saw me for the very same

i see you for who you are now; a lying fiend, no heart to give
you see me for who i am now; the strongest girl to ever live

don't ever look at me again

you couldn't look at me
you couldn't meet my eyes
'cause you knew i finally saw you
all your worthlessness and lies

Saturday, March 19, 2011

hduff and me

waiting tables and female independance, i feel like hilary duff in cinderella story.

Next time, I'm going to say it.

Are you fucking serious? Everytime you see me, you're either trying to hook up with me or "laying down your wheels" for the weekend. You need to GET OVER YOURSELF. I don't like you, and I will never, ever let you touch me. You think you can come over here, talk to me for 2 minutes, and then I'll give you whatever you want? Do you seriously think you're worthy of ANY of my time? You are an STD-ridden douchebag, and I would SINCERELY appreciate if you stayed the fuck away from me. I used to like you too. I liked you for so long... because you used to be such a sweet guy. And then when you turned into a little shit, I still saw you as that nice guy. But these past few months have showed me that you aren't a nice guy who's made a few mistakes, you're an entitled twat playing nice. So, kindly fuck off.

Cyclical

Heartbroken.
Once again.
This shouldn't feel new to me,
But the cut is just as deep as ever.

Hope... that hope. That hope I harboured deep in my heart; hope that you felt the same. You killed my hope. You took it out back behind the shed and shot straight through the heart.

Stay away from me.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Christina Perri- Arms

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
You came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms me and I'm home

How many times will let you me change my mind and turn around?
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/christina_perri/arms.html ]
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let our love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go...

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let our love get so close...

You put your arms around me and I'm home...

You put your arms around me and I'm home...


Saturday, March 12, 2011

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Friday, March 4, 2011

a numbers game

march 3, 2003
3/3/3
333
The number 333 is supposed to symbolize the holy trinity; spirituality...
why does it feel more like 666?

Saturday, February 26, 2011

olivia

i know who i am and i know where i'm going
i know what i've done and i know what i intend to do
i know that no matter what, i will always be here for myself
and i am the one person that i'll always have on my side
i am the person you should fear, because i am the person you cannot beat
nothing you say could ever change how i feel about myself

Urban Dictionary: Crazy Hoe

1. Crazy Hoe

When girls like to act crazy and start shit.
Or like to be crazy and do dumb shit that they think is tough, but really, it's just hilarious.


Ex:
That crazy hoe just walked infront of my car as I was driving it, what the hell.

That crazy hoe won't let me date her ex.

YOU ARE A BITCH.

You are a mean, immature, fucktard bitch, and i hate you.

Monday, February 21, 2011

terrorist attack in my body

7.9

a day long battle won

a life long war that i am destined to lose

high as a kite

nothing better than a day long, unbeatable high sugar. woooooo.

seriously though. this shit has got to stop. i have tried everything. it won't go away.
i am close to tears, but i have to contain myself; they will only make me higher.

i haven't told anyone in my family that i have been terrible today.
they would accuse me of doing something wrong.
but i haven't.
i've over injected, changed sites, drank copious amounts of water.
yet it lingers...

this shit is frusterating.
heartbreaking.
i want to cry.
maybe i will.
it's not like it will matter in the long run.
like my eye doctor reminded me: good control doesn't stop complications, it just gives you a bit more time.
but what is time anyhow? will 2, 5, 10 years matter? i will die regardless.

mother fucking fucking fuck shit balls fuck fuck fuck fuck shit shit fuck

this is stupid. this is not right. i do not like this.

i did not ask for this.

please, somebody help me.

stay away

i won't take another step in fear of heartbreak and fiery hatred

hiding behind a wall of hurt

everything you say to me
makes me love you even more
then it's replaced with unbreakable skepticism
when i remember all the times before

searching for dark undertones
in every smile sent my way
what used to make me beam
is now just brushed away

i've built a wall
around myself
of suspicion and uncertainty
i won't be fooled into thinking
that you want to know me

i know it's a game for you
i'm not a person, just a girl
but you've become too confident
if you think i can be fooled 

i have no hope in your revelation
that i'm the only one you need
all i can do is try to control myself
because we will always stay a dream

i refuse to be a number
or a story for your friends
you just want me because i'm wary
i can see straight through each word you send

but i still want you
so badly, everyday.
but i can't deal with you again
so i must stay far away.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

the duffster

i'm sorry, please don't hate me

love,
hilary duff xoxox

p.s. i love you so much

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

i wish magic was real.

i'm rereading Eragon, and holy shit i wish i had a dragon so much. (by have i do not mean own, a real dragon would not abide having an owner.. what i mean is a partership and a mental link in which we share all our thoughts and speak with our minds and love each other and are best friends and he/she lends me some of his/her strength so that i can complete complex magic) (also, i would be an elf... not a pixie/gnome, a real, elegant, noble, elven warrior, tall with shimmering hair and heightened senses and faster than any man and a higher capacity to do magic and able to speak the ancient language fluently from birth)

.... it is weird that this is not an occasional thought, but one i have each day and can ponder for hours?
..... yeah, it's weird
....i don't care though, i just want it

it's done in secret

i'm sitting on my bedroom floor
half naked and freezing cold
tear stained cheeks and quiet agony
i'm being eaten alive by silence

--
shivers wrack my body
they travel up my spine
can barely fight the nausea
when i realize you aren't mine
--

that sinking feeling when i say it all
and you say nothing in return
keep sinking 'til i hit the floor
held up only by the hardwood

close my eyes
try to catch my breath
but i just can't stop my heart's revolt
so close to releasing heartbreak's first sob
building in my throat

--
shivers wrack my body
they travel up my spine
can barely fight the nausea
when i realize you aren't mine
--

it's quiet here, where i sit
outside the door you'd never know
the despair that i am capable of
that's ravaging my mind

the deadly calm, deceitful peace
is suppressing all else in this room
another wave of concealed tears and softened distress
is all that's waiting for me.

i'll write a song as soon as the nausea passes

.........that sinking feeling when i realize how little i mean to you

the words that get me through the day

"all it takes it all you've got"

Graeme Fife

"Courage. We all suffer. Keep going."

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

pat on the back

"I close my eyes to stem the tide of heartbreak falling to the floor."

I really like this line. I'm glad that I wrote it. It encases all the things I'm feeling right now.

BAD MOOD

THERE IS JUST SO MUCH ANGER IN ME RIGHT NOW.
AND STRESS.
STRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESS.
I'VE HAD A HEADACHE FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS WITH NO RELIEF.
I HAVE THREE TESTS, AN ESSAY, AND A PRESENTATION.
I FEEL SICK
HE DOESN'T LIKE ME.
MY BLOOD SUGAR IS REVERTING BACK TO BEING TERRIBLE.
I FEEL FAT.
AND UGLY.
I HAVEN'T BEEN ACCEPTED TO UNIVERSITY.
HE DOESN'T LIKE ME.
HE DOESN'T LIKE ME.
TOO MUCH STRESS.
TENSION HEADACHES ON TOP OF THE CONSTANT ACHE.
CAN'T BREATHE DEEPLY, HURTS MY BACK.
STRESSSTRESSSTREESSSTRESS.
THERE IS JUST SO MUCH STRESS.

WOULD IT KILL YOU

TO SAY SOMETHING? BECAUSE I FEEL STUPID. I FEEL STUPID WAITING FOR YOU.

K TRUE.

I'M LOW. AGAIN. APPARENTLY SEVERE FLUCTUATIONS ARE MY NEW THING?

AND I TEXTED YOU BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO REPLY, RIGHT? JERK.

Friday, February 11, 2011

a million pieces

i gave you a chance
to hold my heart in your hands
and you let it fall
and break into a million pieces

you turned around
and i watched my crown fall
from my head held high
hit the ground and break into a million pieces

i open my mouth to call out your name
but i can't vocalize the pain that lies within those sounds
so i'll just stay here on the ground
and let you walk away

i gave you a chance
to hold my hand in your hand
i held it out for days
until it fell cold by my side

you turned around
and never saw my heart fall
down my ivory cheek
and break into a millon pieces

i close my eyes
to stem the tide of heartbreak
falling to the floor

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

ignorance is bliss

hey muffins,

it surprises me everytime.
it surprises me and confuses me that most people are not diabetic as well.
i can't imagine a life without glucose meters, needles, insulin viles, and bruises.
but everyone else....everyone else can.
maybe i'm self-centered, but i don't see how anyone can complain about anything if they are in good health.
it doesn't make sense to me.
why are you sad? you have the freedom to do anything! you can change your whole life, your whole future, your whole being.
you can wake up one day, decide to move to africa, and just do it. no preplanning: no contacting doctors to ask for a note excusing all the drugs and needles you're taking over the border. no making sure that where you go has a near-by hospital and pharmacy. no planning weeks ahead to make sure all your pump supplies get delivered on time. no worrying if your pump or insulin will even work in the climate.
you can just go.
it's funny really. i live in a free country, i'm free to worship, to speak, to own, to learn.
yet i don't feel free. not in the least.
i feel trapped, cornered.
i feel like there is no escape.
while others can be instantaneous in all events in their life, i cannot.
i cannot in fear of death.
it confuses me, being instantaneous. i don't know how to do it.
while i've done small things, like suddenly deciding with my friends to go see a movie or go to a party,
it still doesn't feel like a heart-beat decision made in the heat of the moment.
because when someone suggests something new, my first thoughts are: do i have enough strips? insulin? oh shit, i don't have a juice box... ok insulin chick, don't eat anything there. when was the last time you tested? before you get in the car make sure you aren't low, you wouldn't want to ask to pullover so you can get a juice. do you have money just incase you need to? are you sure 3 strips is enough?"
i don't just hop in and wonder if there will be cute boys there.
all these healthy people... i don't understand them.
i really, truly don't.
i don't remember what its like to just be totally relaxed.
to not be, atleast quietly, thinking about my blood sugar.
how would it feel to not have this?
what do people think about?
they must have so much spare time for thinking about other things.
and now i know that healthy people have bad things in their life too,
but it seems to me, a diabetic, that it would be so much easier facing those demons without also considering your own body.
imagine: being able to cry and not feeling guilty because i know it's going to screw up my blood sugar.
that would be awesome.
imagine: being able to think about your upcoming day, or a boy, or a friend, or anything, when you first wake up. my first thought is always about my diabetes.
imagine: the simple act of walking about the house without tubing getting caught on things.
imagine: pulling your pants down to pee without accidently ripping out the tubing.
imagine: turning over in bed without having to move your pump to the other side, making sure the tubing isn't over your arm.
imagine: not getting up in the middle of the night because you ran out of insulin or the stupid thing got ripped out.
imagine: not crying because you didn't get insulin for 6 hours.... not even having to think about insulin!
imagine: just falling asleep. not checking pump, realizing you're empty, taking 15 mins to change the setup, testing, going back downstairs to have a drink, checking for adequate juice and granola bars incase of a low in the night....just...sleeping.
imagine: not being diabetic.......

i can't imagine it.
it seems like life would be so easy. too easy.
what would you think about? what would you do?
i don't get it because i've never had it.
probably the same reason they don't get me.

i wish i could try it out though, just for a day. just a day of complete freedom. i would climb a mountain.

I HATE YOU

I'll sit here crying because you beat me again
You took my life and sent me to hell.
I'm in a game I can't win yet you refuse to finish me off
Preferring to watch my slowly perish,
My anguish sends shivers down your spine.
All I can do is hate you, for my efforts are for naught.
All I can do is wait for you to finally beat me.
My final breath is coming closer, I feel it every day,
And I'll keep struggling to play this game, that is impossible to play.



... mother fucker I hate you so fucking much why why why why why is it me? why does it have to be me? I'll carry this fucking burden as far as I can but every time I stumble I get closer to falling... I never want to feel this again, this high that will last til tomorrow.... but of course I will, you are the epitome of torture.

And the worst torture in the world is being forced to think it's all your fault.

It's all my fault, you soulless fuck.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

shut the fuck up

you speak to hear your own voice and revel in how great you are
but your super-inflated ego and condescending tone
are pushing me a bit too far
and one day soon i won't be there listening
but you won't care, you'll just keep talking

me.

i love myself
i love that i spent nearly two hours last night singing "weep you no more sad fountains"
i love that i laugh out loud when i'm by myself
i love that i read over old essays in hopes of improving my future ones
i love that i appreciate fine salts and vanillas
i love that i can recite passages from pride and prejudice
i love that i know the locker room monologue in cinderella story off by heart
i love that i say whatever jokes come to mind, regardless of who i'm with or if they are even funny
i love that i watch nature documentaries and loudly proclaim how amazed i am by what i'm watching
i love that i'm eating peanut butter off of a spoon, but not before dropping a few chocolate chips on top
i love that i have frilly aprons and imagine myself an elegant lady when i bake chocolate chip cookies
i love that i don't wear that much makeup anymore, that i'm accepting myself as i am
i love that sense and sensibility makes me cry every time
i love that i feel guilty when i skip through the whole movie just to get at emma thompson's crying scene
i love that i'm not embarrassed to have a tree frog poster
i love that i truly wish there were dragons so that i could befriend one
i love that i've listened to almost lover by a fine frenzy seventy three times and counting
i love that i'm not embarrassed if someone sees my pump anymore
i love that i don't feel lame saying i'm staying in anymore
i love that i make pancakes from scratch and add far too many chocolate chips
i love that looking at fancy cupcake liners and sprinkles online excites me
i love that my sparkly bracelets are across the room from my bookshelf stuffed with dragons and dwarves
i love that my pretty velvet top is currently hanging over my soccer bag and sweaty shin pads
i love that i walk around in lacy undies and heels on days i want to feel better about myself
i love that i eat far too much and care about it far too little
i love that i dance around the hall in the nude when i feel like i can get away with it
i love that i sing along to the music on my ipod
i love that i read the news
i love that i secretly think i could make it as an actress or a comedian if i wanted to
i love that i get excited in biology class because i love it so much
i love that i know who david attenborough is
i love that i care enough to ask and love enough to listen
i love that i dance along to my music
i love that i watch films and always wonder how i would play the role
i love that i have a good vocabulary and i'm a great speller
i love that people come to me to help them translate shakespearean texts
i love that i think of life lessons for myself
i love that i live my life based on the lessons in the last of the really great whangdoodles
i love that i get lost in a million different worlds in the fantasy section at chapters
i love that i don't want kids or a husband despite it being outside the norm
i love that i have weird dreams that keep me reviewing my life the next day
i love that i know how to put a worm on the hook and how to cast a baitcaster
i love that trees take my breath away
i love that i dream of bigger things
i love that i'm not afraid to cry
i love that i'm not afraid to love myself
i love myself.

too little too late?

you're trying but your heart's not in it and neither is mine


so now what?

never let go

hold on tight to who you love, it doesn't take much to lose them

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Thursday, February 3, 2011

disconnected

Hey cupcakes,

Today at soccer, I took my pump off to play. I normally leave it on, but I shall do that no more. That hour of running around, blood pumping, with absolutley nothing attached to me was the best thing I've ever felt. When I put my hands on my hips after a sprint, I didn't feel a hard bulge. Nothing flopped around or rubbed against me. I was free. And I loved it.

I wish it was like that all the time.

Love,
insulin chick

One must learn to appreciate when the tide pulls back before it crashes down again....

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

you aren't very pretty and you aren't very bright

"No, you listen. You turned out to be exactly who I thought you were. I never pretended to be somebody else. It's been me all along. And it was me who was hurt in front of everybody. Look, I didn't come here to yell at you, okay? I know what it feels like to be afraid to show who you are. I was. But I'm not anymore. And the thing is, I don't care what people think about me... because I believe in myself. And I know that things are gonna be okay. But even though I have no family, and no job, and no money for college... it's you that I feel sorry for. I know that guy that sent those emails is somewhere inside of you, but, I can't wait for him anymore... because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing."
- Hilary Duff in "Cinderella Story"

Monday, January 31, 2011

Egypt

"We will not be silenced, whether you're a Christian, whether you're a Muslim, whether you're an atheist, you will demand your goddamn rights, and we will have our rights, one way or the other! We will never be silenced!" 
- Egyptian Protester

It brought tears to my eyes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThvBJMzmSZI&feature=player_embedded#

jan 19 at 10:40 pm

i see your face
not far away
a steady pace
and the fear sets in

the space is shrinking
between my body and yours
the distance seeps into every pore
and the fear sets in

step by step
heart rate increases
words shatter into a million pieces
as the fear sets in

you look my way
and then you keep looking
the force of your gaze
leaves me paralyzed for days

Thursday, January 27, 2011

looking up

you walked inside the crowded room
i met your eyes; what more to lose?
i'd already lost my mind
my heart was next in line

i looked at you through blackened lashes
saw your soul and turned to ashes

your smile lit the room
though we were stranded in the gloom
of times before, that didn't happen

i looked at you through blackened lashes
saw your soul and turned to ashes

you kept my gaze
and i kept yours
just a boy and just a girl

i looked at you through blackened lashes
saw your soul and turned to ashes
you took a breath, i saw you decide
and then you dove into my eyes

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Almost Lover- A Fine Frenzy

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?

Saturday, January 22, 2011

stick a little white card on me, i'm reserved for you

i can see blue skies
under which my demise
sits waiting patiently for me
to fall all over myself again

i'll run forward
recklessly hopeful
faithfully stumble
and rebreak my heart on the lawn

i'll lay there
til sunset
unmoving, unbreathing
my whole being weakening

and your tears prick my eyes
under midnight skies
find the ocean that's just there for you

Friday, January 21, 2011

FRIEND

hey FRIEND
how are ya FRIEND

FRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIENDFRIEND

why do i still have these butterflies?

Thursday, January 20, 2011

you were there

and i was acutely aware of your smile in the front row

more of you by mozella

Every little thing that you do

Every single word you say

Every time you looking away

You got me begging for more of you, more of you

Every time I'm ready to go

Every time I think I'm back in control

Something gets a hold of my soul

And I be begging for more of you, more of you

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

the fear

i see your face
not far away
a steady pace
and the fear sets in

the space is shrinking
between my body and yours
the distance seeps into every pore
and the fear sets in

step by step
heart rate increases
words shatter into a million pieces
as the fear sets in

you look my way
and then you keep looking
the force of your gaze
leaves me paralyzed for days

peeps?

Hi BOY

I heard things ended with the Little One. That sucks. I hope you're doing ok. And I'm not just saying that, I know how you're feeling, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Especially you. But it'll all be ok, don't worry.

We've been speaking more lately. Well, not speaking, but joking on facebook. I've really enjoyed it. Through all the heartbreak and fiery hatred, I always forget how much I actually enjoy talking to you. I think we should be friends. And I know what that means for me. It means heartbreak and fiery hatred. But I like you, as a person, and I want to be friends with you. I don't care that my feelings aren't reciprocated. No, that's a lie, I do care, but I can manage. I don't expect anything anymore. But I like talking to you. When track finally comes, it's going to be fun hanging out all the time. I was nervous before, nervous I'd fall for you all over again, but I'm not now. I'm going to contain myself this time. I'll treat you as a friend, regardless of how I feel.

So, Boy, let's be friends, ok? None of this "heartbreak" bullshit. We are two people who get along, who like each other, and who have fun joking around with each other. Let's focus on that, instead of muddling it with overdramatic high school love.

Sincerely
insulin chick.

P.S. But if you do realize your feelings for me, please don't hesitate to voice them.

So Long 2 U by Beautiful Small Machines

Oh, now
Cried and cried
As though a sea of tears could somehow float you to my side
One learns
To lose
When choices are between two things that one would never choose





I wish a sea of tears could somehow float you to my side.

Monday, January 17, 2011

heart break, mistakes

you made your choice
and i can't say anything
she's got you now
and i can't do anything

she's perfect
she's flawless
she's all that i'm not
but she'll break your heart

i'd keep you forever
you'd always be mine
i'd love and i'd treasure you
all of the time

and she'll only, she'll only break your heart

and i'll be there
when she leaves
a shoulder to cry on
when your heart only grieves

no intent, no motives
my heart not in mind
i'll be there for you
when she makes you cry

i'll be there for you
i'll be here forever

i'll nurture your heart, make you feel better
and you'll run off to the next girl
and i'll be here, when she breaks your heart

Sunday, January 16, 2011

LOW

hey kittens,

i just went on my first run of 2011... i know, i skipped a month of excerise, and im feeling it in my calves.
heres my issue though. im all pumped, exerting my muscles, singing cee-low's fuck you while giving an image of the boy the middle finger, having a grand time. after my half hour, i test......2.1.....kool.

Hi My Name Is Diabetes: When You're Up, I Bring You Down!

......................................but suck it bitch. im an athlete and i persevere. ill suck down my oj, and ill fuck you all over again bright and early with a quick jog.

love your slightly out of shape gazelle

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Thursday, January 13, 2011

subconscious lifestyle choice

it's not that i don't want to move on
i do, and i'm trying
but moving on means changing so much of myself
stopping thoughts that have been in my head for years
it's such a huge change
and it's hard

yoh sup

every time i turn around
i see a bit of you
every time i look back
all i see is you

you're written on my windows
you're written on my walls
you've written on my pages
you've written on it all

there's no denying all those feelings
they're written on my face
you drip from every word
too many to erase

but acceptance's near impossible
and refusal leaves me cold
so i'll stay stranded in the middle
of moving on and waiting still

rebreak

you're just as cute as i remember
you're just as sweet as way back then
but it took me back to last december
when you left me hanging by a thread

your smile hasn't changed a little
it still sets off fireworks inside
but it took me back to last december
when your smile made me cry

i've not forgotten all that happened
that my heart was broke in two
i've not forgotten all the late nights
i've spent crying over you

i won't wait around again
i'm as good as gone
i hope that when you see me
you regret it all

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

back to the future

i'm time travelling
i'm leaving where i am, now
im in a different town, with a different name
a different smile, a different face
keep my eyes locked on tomorrow
watching as tomorrow goes
but today
todays today
today is yesterdays tomorrow
can't let it get away
todays today
and i cant forget that

Mozella- Four Leaf Clover

For once in my life I'm gonna get it right

I want long stemmed roses and a kiss goodnight

I'm gonna know how it feels when the stars align

You'll be my four leaf clover, and we'll start over

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

i just meant no, not you're not my bro

why are you dead set
on ruining, everything we've ever had
we've ever had
why are you dead set
on taking away, the brighter days
the brighter days we've had

don't, don't go, don't go, don't go away yet
i'm not done with you yet