Monday, January 21, 2013

Burned out

I'm tired of this.
I had no choice in this
It just was
My only reward for all of my hard work is not dying any sooner
I make it look easy and so they think that it's easy
That I don't take it seriously
That it isn't the cause of every single thing I do
My mistakes are judged harshly and my victories go unnoticed
I over compensate to give myself a semblance of control
And I'm called greedy
And I am.
Greedy for freedom. Greedy for rest.
Fill my days with work and hobbies so that I'm so tired at bed time
I won't have time to think about it
So tired that maybe I won't have that nightmare
But I can't be so tired, what if something goes wrong?
What if no one finds me?
It'll be all my fault.
I'm the only one to blame
Guilt guilt guilt
Covered in blood
Where am I?
Who are they?
Why is every body screaming?
What's going on?
Wake up
Honey, this is forever
10 years
Count down to dialysis
Pretend it isn't happening
Pretend it isn't me
It's someone else
It couldn't be me, just look at me!
I'm on the right track!
I work hard and I laugh!
How could that patient be me?
It can't be me!
It is me
It's all my fault

Friday, January 18, 2013

Can't get over it

I know the truth about myself
Keep it hidden deep within my mind
But the truth keeps slipping out now
Breaking every lie that I feel fine

I don't feel fine and I hate knowing
My smile isn't real
Say I feel fine and I keep going
Keep the images concealed

I'm broken but I'm trying
To make it go away
But it's thundering behind each thought
Color every moment grey

I know the truth about myself
I know just what I am
I saw the truth about myself
I saw it and I ran