Friday, February 26, 2016

tell me again

i need reassurance 
i need you to tell me again about that future you sometimes think about 
about the wonderful life you know we'll have 
i need to hear it 

in the accident 
as my whole world was spinning 
i remember thinking that i'll never have my future with you now 
i saw my entire life with you flash before my eyes and vanish 
rings and dresses and blue eyed little kids 
as i screamed and rolled at that intersection 
my heart broke thinking that we would never have everything we had talked about 

so now i want you to say it again 
tell me again about it all over again 
make my heart race and eyes sparkle 
make me feel like i am everything you could ever need 
make me hold on to you tighter with everything you say 
smiling on your chest as you paint a picture of our wedding 
of dancing under the stars 
of how right it will all feel 
tell me about our kids 
how cute they'll be 
with my smile and your eyes 

please just tell me 
i know you don't like talking about it often 
but i like hearing it 
and there is nothing i'd like to hear more
than how everything is going to be as beautiful as i could ever dream 

still hurt

i thought that i let it all out yesterday
that i felt better today
that i was able to put it aside on focus on us

but seeing you now just filled my heart up with sadness
i know it's only one weekend
that i'll survive and i'll be fine
but i can't help but feel this overwhelming loneliness
i'm still too fragile to go out with friends
and i don't want to hang out with them anyways
i want to hang out with you
the one person who i desperately miss all day long

i don't want to spend my days trying to distract myself while i wait for you to come home
i just want you
i want you to be so intensely grateful that i'm ok
that you want to spend every second you can with me while i start feeling better
i wish you felt more possessive
more protective
after almost losing me
i wish you didn't want to let me out of your sight
i wish you were as worried about me as i would be about you
i wish you understood how badly i need to feel safe right now
how badly i need you to tell me that you don't know what you would do if you lost me

maybe i'm being self-centered
or over-sensitive
i don't know
i just can't suppress this feeling
that maybe you wouldn't be that heart broken after all

i know you have been very helpful
bringing me water and helping me sit up and doing anything that i have trouble with
but emotionally
you seem completely fine
why didn't this shake you up?
why didn't this scare you?
i feel terrified
why didn't you cry?
why didn't you grab me and rock me back and forth and thank god i was alive?
why didn't you smother me in your love and say that you could never let me go?
why are you leaving me now?
can't you see that i'm still in pain?
that i'm faking being better than i am?
can't you see that i'm fragile?
that i need you now?

i don't want to miss you now.
i don't want to go to bed without you.
i want you here with me, stroking my hair, telling me i'm ok.

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Can't stop thinking

I can't turn my brain off
Maybe because I'm in pain.. I don't know why
But I can't help but think that maybe you wished you had moved
So you wouldn't have to deal with taking care of me
That maybe you are getting tired of my roller coaster of emotions
And are thinking of walking away
I can't turn my brain off.


I feel so unloved right now
I need a romantic gesture or honest and loving words but I'm just not getting them since I've been hurt  he's been wonderful and helpful but I just wish he knew the words to say that would make me feel like he still thinks I'm amazing.

I don't feel like I've been amazing lately. Maybe that's why I need a heartfelt declaration of love... To prove to myself that he doesn't see me differently now.



It's bothering me so much 
That yet again you're going away when I need you
But I can't say anything 
Or you'll think I'm controlling 

It makes me not want to hear your input 
What I chose to do this weekend doesn't affect you whatsoever 
I don't care that you think I need to see a doctor 
Because you're leaving so I can't help but feel like your opinion is invalid 

I thought I would start to feel better this weekend 
But instead I will be left behind, scared and alone. 

I can't stop thinking of what could happen if I try driving and something happens, or if the pain gets  even worse and I'm unable to help myself. I am so utterly afraid of being alone right now.

And it's making me resentful... But I don't know if it's ok for me to feel this way.