control

i haven't eaten since 3pm on monday.
i've had a little bit of juice when i've gone low yesterday and this morning
and a few beers on my date on wednesday
but i guess thats just liquid. and not even water.
i guess it's just comforting to have something that i can control,
that i can do "right".
i'm not even hungry, which is weird.
like, i'll feel hungry for a minute or two but then it goes away.
i don't feel dizzy or light headed,
although my chest muscles really hurt... i think that's just from being so tense though.
i feel empowered, like i can actually do something and not fuck up for a bit.
i wonder how long i can last?
i'm confident i can do today, and most likely tomorrow too.
i really just have no desire to eat anything whatsoever.
i've been looking at food blogs and reddit posts constantly to test myself,
to see if i crave anything.... and i don't, which is pretty cool.

i know this isn't normal or healthy but for now it feels right.