Tuesday, February 4, 2014

I want to be alone

I seriously don't think he loves me
I think he thought he did
But then life happened and he realized that he doesn't
And now he's trapped because I said it and he agreed
I feel so foolish for believing for one single second that he ever could
I'm so stupid
I hate myself for my illness
I hate those doctors
Hate them
I wish they would just disappear and leave me be
I don't ever want to see them again
They think I'm stupid
I want to leave so badly
Leave everyone here
I'm only happy when I'm alone
People make me sad
People make me feel fat
And guilty
And ugly
And selfish
And aggressive
I'm not aggressive when I'm alone
I don't hate my body when I'm alone
I don't constantly compare how fat I am to others when I'm alone
I don't get let down when I'm alone
I don't fall in love and scare them away when I'm alone
It's just me and trees and water and I understand what's happening and I fit it
I fit in when I'm alone
I blend in to the trees
I'm not emotional and fat and sad when I'm alone in the trees
I miss not feeling sad
I miss not crying
I miss not being a burden to people
Poor boy, I tricked him into thinking I was stable
It was an accident
And now he feels smothered and he'll leave
I have no doubt about it
How could you love someone so sensitive? I couldn't
I couldn't fall in love with me if I was someone else
All my jokes are annoying and not funny in the slightest
I repeat things and it irritates people
I can't even look people in the eyes anymore
I hate knowing they can see me
I just want to be alone
I'm so close to jumping in my truck and driving somewhere so far away
I don't know why I'm getting this stupid degree so that I can feel stupid at work for the rest of my life
I don't know why I do anything that I do anymore
It's all pointless and I'm a burden
I need to leave people alone
Stop telling them if I'm sad
No one cares and no one wants to know
WHY do I keep telling them? Why do I keep feeling the need to share my infinitely small problems with the world?
No one fucking cares!!!
I don't even care anymore
I want to be numb
I'm going to be numb
Numb and fake
Fake smiling, fake happy
Pretend he loves me, pretend they love me
Pretend pretend pretend until I can be alone
Just biding my time until I can leave them be
I'll be alone and out of their way
They won't miss me and I'll learn to live without them
I'll be happy all alone
With no one there to let me down.

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