Tuesday, February 8, 2011

ignorance is bliss

hey muffins,

it surprises me everytime.
it surprises me and confuses me that most people are not diabetic as well.
i can't imagine a life without glucose meters, needles, insulin viles, and bruises.
but everyone else....everyone else can.
maybe i'm self-centered, but i don't see how anyone can complain about anything if they are in good health.
it doesn't make sense to me.
why are you sad? you have the freedom to do anything! you can change your whole life, your whole future, your whole being.
you can wake up one day, decide to move to africa, and just do it. no preplanning: no contacting doctors to ask for a note excusing all the drugs and needles you're taking over the border. no making sure that where you go has a near-by hospital and pharmacy. no planning weeks ahead to make sure all your pump supplies get delivered on time. no worrying if your pump or insulin will even work in the climate.
you can just go.
it's funny really. i live in a free country, i'm free to worship, to speak, to own, to learn.
yet i don't feel free. not in the least.
i feel trapped, cornered.
i feel like there is no escape.
while others can be instantaneous in all events in their life, i cannot.
i cannot in fear of death.
it confuses me, being instantaneous. i don't know how to do it.
while i've done small things, like suddenly deciding with my friends to go see a movie or go to a party,
it still doesn't feel like a heart-beat decision made in the heat of the moment.
because when someone suggests something new, my first thoughts are: do i have enough strips? insulin? oh shit, i don't have a juice box... ok insulin chick, don't eat anything there. when was the last time you tested? before you get in the car make sure you aren't low, you wouldn't want to ask to pullover so you can get a juice. do you have money just incase you need to? are you sure 3 strips is enough?"
i don't just hop in and wonder if there will be cute boys there.
all these healthy people... i don't understand them.
i really, truly don't.
i don't remember what its like to just be totally relaxed.
to not be, atleast quietly, thinking about my blood sugar.
how would it feel to not have this?
what do people think about?
they must have so much spare time for thinking about other things.
and now i know that healthy people have bad things in their life too,
but it seems to me, a diabetic, that it would be so much easier facing those demons without also considering your own body.
imagine: being able to cry and not feeling guilty because i know it's going to screw up my blood sugar.
that would be awesome.
imagine: being able to think about your upcoming day, or a boy, or a friend, or anything, when you first wake up. my first thought is always about my diabetes.
imagine: the simple act of walking about the house without tubing getting caught on things.
imagine: pulling your pants down to pee without accidently ripping out the tubing.
imagine: turning over in bed without having to move your pump to the other side, making sure the tubing isn't over your arm.
imagine: not getting up in the middle of the night because you ran out of insulin or the stupid thing got ripped out.
imagine: not crying because you didn't get insulin for 6 hours.... not even having to think about insulin!
imagine: just falling asleep. not checking pump, realizing you're empty, taking 15 mins to change the setup, testing, going back downstairs to have a drink, checking for adequate juice and granola bars incase of a low in the night....just...sleeping.
imagine: not being diabetic.......

i can't imagine it.
it seems like life would be so easy. too easy.
what would you think about? what would you do?
i don't get it because i've never had it.
probably the same reason they don't get me.

i wish i could try it out though, just for a day. just a day of complete freedom. i would climb a mountain.

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